Because apparently I stepped on too many bugs in a past life, I’ve been doomed to compile stories of the most ridiculous people and events in this awful world of ours. Misery loves company. Share my pain.
no matter what game you're playing, Simon Cowell always wins
For the past ten years, Americans have delighted in/pretended to be offended by record executive and American Idol judge Simon Cowell. But now the venomous Brit has decided to say goodbye to his seat between a black stereotype and drunk, as well as the wildly (now mildly) successful show he pretty much manufactured from the ground up. Unlike other TV celebrities who have decided to loudly exit their programs, there's very little doubt about where Cowell goes from here. He already has The X-Factor, which is pretty much American Idol except with significantly less shame about being one, long sales pitch. Also, there are currently 21 different versions of the show airing in dozens of countries. What does 2011 have in store for Mr. Cowell?
It may not be apparent in the things that I write, say and do, but my primary virtue is hope. Though I'm far too cynical to actually believe that all the potential good that exists at the beginning of any situation will actually come to pass, I'm frequently hopeful that at least some of it will manage to blossom among all the inevitable disappointment. So, standing at the beginning of not just a new year but a new decade, I'm positively, though cautiously, replete with hope for all the good stuff that might happen in the coming years. We can all accept that the 00's were a total drag, but there's plenty of possible happiness on the horizon. Case in point, the distinct possibility that neither Conan O'Brien nor Jay Leno will be running the late shift anymore.
Some pop culture obsessions I can understand. The romantic ins and outs of various impossibly gorgeous celebrities help us perpetuate the fantasy that love is beautiful and exciting, it's fun to watch rich and famous people fall from grace when most of us will never reach those heights, and it's even acceptable to pontificate on the most recent nominees for meaningless entertainment awards. But I just don't get why so many people are interested in some of the more bizarre, banal or just plain stupid elements of the pop world. Every week there's some collection of ridiculous stories that somehow qualify as entertainment news. The only reason I can imagine anyone actually being riveted by this stuff is because they're pop culture junkies and they're desperate for a fix.
Well, I am just beside myself. Of all the horrible things to happen this holiday season (even the ones the authorities don't know about), the worst has to be the recent announcement that Tyra Banks, Queen of All Life in Perpetuity, is dropping her daytime talk show after five glorious seasons. What will the world do without T-dawg and her delightfully schizophrenic program? It's almost as if daytime TV is finally falling to pieces like the soulless leper it has been for decades. The soaps are stagnating, The View has resorted to hiring people who openly mock the show's format, and soon American television prior to primetime will have a serious dearth of sassy black women to be all sassy and give away free cars as sassily as possible.
why... why is Meredith Baxter looking at me like that?
As we near the end of another ridiculous year, I think back on all the things I wanted for 2009 and I can't help but feel rather disappointed. All the wrong celebrities died, most of the stupid trends have yet to expire (except for Crocs. Crocs are gone, right? Right?), and alas, reality TV is still a major fixture in most network programming schedules. Still, I remain defiantly optimistic about 2010's potential to be a great year for the entertainment business. Here are a few things I hope to see happen in the coming year.
From my outsider perspective, I've learned two things about devout Christians. And no, I'm not talking about those moderate, everybody get along, some of my best friends are Jewish and I don't hate gay people Christians, I'm talking about the super-duper double order of Christ with cheese Christians. One: They hate sex, that universal expression of love and affection with the ability to form lasting bonds between people regardless of background and even the power to create new life. Two: They're a-ok with violence, the force that has kept people apart since the beginning of time and even has the tendency to destroy life. In Christian fundamentalism's most recent attack on sex, or at least their woefully distorted conception of sex, they've instituted the concept of the Christian Side-Hug, or CSH, with the help of a terrible, terrible rap premiered at the Encounter Generation Conference.
I liken Christmas to my 4-year-old niece. In small doses it can be sweet and endearing, but it's also capable of being shrill and annoying. Since I don't really have any true obligations to Christmas, if it bothers me too much I can just ignore it. I suppose that's why I'm capable of going through what should be the most insufferable time of the year in a relative state of calm. Sure, for the first ten years of my life Christmas seemed extremely appealing, but then I realized that it's a gaudy chunk of unnecessary stress that becomes less interesting the older you get. The one part of the holiday season I always enjoy is the pointless whining about the War on Christmas. Conservative idiots like Bill O'Reilly and other drains on society who hate fun usually start jabbering in late November about how the Christiest holiday of them all has been actively secularized for the sake of money and mass appeal. That's why the fundies spend every December launching increasingly absurd campaigns to inject some extra religion into their favorite holiday. This year, it's the CHRIST-mas Tree.
To Whom It May Obviously Not Concern Because I'm A Human Being With Real Needs And Resources Too Limited To Take You To Court For Flagrantly Violating American Anti-Trust Laws In Any Form Less Substantial Than A Class Action Suit Co-Authored By Ten Million Of My Closest Friends With The Support Of A Frighteningly Large Law Firm Or Some Sort Of Erin Brockovich Redux, Read more
Golfing sensation and bearer of unbelievable pearly whites Tiger Woods avoided accident investigators for several days after he crashed his SUV near his home under mysteriously circumstances. Much speculation went into why Woods obviously evaded police inquiring into the nature of the crash. Some suspected Woods may have been intoxicated at the time and wished to clear his blood of any trace chemicals. As it stands, the multimillionaire Woods stands to face a careless driving charge resulting in a fine to total no more than $200 as well as a four-point penalty on his license. Woods was driving with insurance and a valid license, so no additional penalties should be incurred. As for how and why Woods crashed, Ticking Tabloid's sources suggest that the famous PGA athlete believes he was the victim of a failed abduction by an unknown species of highly intelligent alien lifeform.
It was a wet thud heard 'round the world when one intrepid ham launched a kamikaze attack against loud, unspeakable southern stereotype and occasional TV cook Paula Deen. After years of abuse and tyranny, all edible materials have banded together to declare independence from Deen and what their spokesvictual calls "Her wanton disregard for the rights and well-being of all consumable citizens of this world."
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