Because apparently I stepped on too many bugs in a past life, I’ve been doomed to compile stories of the most ridiculous people and events in this awful world of ours. Misery loves company. Share my pain.

2010 Emmy Fashion Assassinations

By msarko on 8/31/10 6:01pm
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The 2010 Emmy Awards have come and gone, though we'll always have the pictures to remind us of all the good times, all the hard times and all the stupid, stupid things celebrities wear to get attention. Let's lower the crosshairs into position and make the red carpet a darker shade of crimson.



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Ticking Tuesday News- Lost, Knifes and Regret

By msarko on 8/24/10 4:42pm
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"Lost" Tissue Box Fetches 20K

Few shows in the history of television develop fan communities as avid and enthusiastic as ABC's sci-fi/mystery/intellectual wankery fest Lost. When the series called it quits this past Spring, it was only a matter of time before this beloved bit of pop culture was preserved in some sort of tasteful museum alongside some of the greatest shows... wait, sorry, I meant broken up into barely meaningful chunks of props and other memorabilia to be auctioned off in one last bid to coax money from an already very lucrative project. Among the offerings were fake cans of "Dharma Initiative" beer, an old van with "Dharma Initiative" stenciled on the side and other completely mundane things made somehow more valuable by bearing the Dharma Initiative brand and allegedly once sitting on the set of Lost. The most shocking item sold at the auction was an empty facial tissue box ABC executives claimed star Matthew Fox used during his time on the show. One representative called it, "Matt's emotion box", claiming that Fox only ever reached for the tissues housed in this particular box when the script or filming process became emotionally overwhelming for him. The prospect that Matthew Fox's sweet, hidden tears may have once touched the box compelled the winning bidder to shell out $20,000 for it.



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Ticking Tuesday News- Gibson, Phoenix and Juggalos Act Predictably

By msarko on 8/17/10 5:23pm
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Gibson Crash All Part of the Plan

Actor, director and noted bigot Mel Gibson officially enacted Step 77 of his long, complicated plan to self-destruct spectacularly over the course of several decades when he ran his 2008 Maserati into a hill in Malibu yesterday. Police are uncertain as to exactly how Gibson's car veered so far off the road, only that he wasn't intoxicated at the time. Or rather, intoxicated this time. Mel Gibson Analytic Specialists at Stanford University have theorized that the crash signaled a new stage in the life cycle of the actor's path of pain throughout the world. While his early exploits involved excessive drug use followed by a middle period of obsessive violence both in films and in real life, this new, still theoretical period will be characterized by random acts of inexplicable destruction. "We've been expecting his racism and antisemitism emissions to taper off for a while now," says Dr. Louis Chang of the Stanford team, "We're now keeping an eye out for unexplained window-shattering events and the occasional breaking of random children's toys." No word yet on how long this stage may last or what, if anything, will follow it.



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Ticking Tuesday News- Idols, Hulks and Other Comic Characters

By msarko on 8/10/10 2:51pm
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I love that pictures like this existI love that pictures like this existFantasia on Affair: "I Wanted It More"

American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino has been fighting recent accusations by a woman in North Carolina that the reality show contestant had an affair with her husband, Antwaun Cook, that led to the end of the marriage. Barrino and her manager have launched an extensive PR campaign in defense, though the content of the campaign is a bit non-traditional, at least on Fantasia's side. While her manager has urged her to retract her most recent statements, Fantasia persists in denying that her affair ended the marriage but does not deny that an affair took place. According to Fantasia, she beat out hundreds of other people who hoped to have an affair with Mr. Cook. No news source has yet been able to confirm Barrino's claims that, three months ago, a line of roughly 300 people waited outside the Cook residence, each longing to fulfill his or her dream of having illicit sexual relations with the North Carolina man. After a grueling series of auditions, says Fantasia, she was selected by a panel of colorful judges to be the one who would get to go to bed with Antwaun. "I wanted it hard. I wanted it more than her," Fantasia said in a recent press conference, "If Mrs. Cook had the chops, the judges would have called her name instead."



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The Quixotic Campaign of Goodspaceguy for Senate

By msarko on 8/5/10 1:19pm
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I don't know what it's like in other countries, but most American kids grow up being told they can be and do anything they want if they put their minds to it. This is usually marketed to parents and teachers as a roundly positive thing to teach children, even though it's really only half good. Sure, kids benefit from encouragement and it's generally a bad idea to fill a kid's head with limitations before they're ready to focus on personal strengths and self-improvement. Still, every adult knows that both DNA and social origin account for a lot of what a person will be able to do in life. It doesn't help that young Americans are surrounded by false cases of regular people achieving amazing things, especially in the realm of politics. After all, we're the society that regularly elects pro wrestlers, movie stars and foreign nationals to our legislative and occasionally executive bodies. A kid might grow up thinking, "Gee, if a cut-rate actor like Ronald Regan or a complete frat boy buffoon like G.W. Bush can get elected, surely I can as well." It's this type of thinking (and probably a little schizophrenia) that convinced Michael "Goodspaceguy" Nelson that he could grab one of Washington's seats in the US Senate.



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Ticking Tuesday News: Leachman, Gaga and Good Movies

By msarko on 8/3/10 3:53pm
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likes bladeslikes bladesCloris Leachman Threatens Press With Knife... In Jest

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Let's Get Serious: Ground Zero Mosque, Lohan in Jail and McMillen's Victory

By msarko on 7/20/10 4:49pm
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say what you will, she kinda makes the look work for hersay what you will, she kinda makes the look work for herI joke around on this site a lot. I poke fun at celebrities when they're being stupid (which accounts for roughly 8 hours average of each day) and I ask you readers to join me as I point and laugh at our society's most ridiculous people. That doesn't mean I don't take certain topics seriously. There are a few things in the news today that deserve a little extra attention on the respectable side of the equation.



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For The Record, "Barefoot Bandit" Is A Stupid Name

By msarko on 7/13/10 5:48pm
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the Barefoot Bandit's next targetthe Barefoot Bandit's next targetI'd be remiss if I didn't at least comment on the whole Colton "Barefoot Bandit" Harris-Moore story, even though it would just make this blog another media source that has piled onto this complicated and generally mishandled story. Traditional news coverage in America, being the idiotic dregs of our country's wanton middle brow-ism, has actually entertained the idea that some people see Harris-Moore as a folk hero or even a Robin Hood figure. Of course, those news agencies mostly mention Harris-Moore's prodigious Facebook following just so they can dismiss it like a bunch of middle class fuddy duddies in a 80's music video. In fact, the most shocking part of the Barefoot Bandit story is the way the story is being told and will likely be told in the future.



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Attempting to Understand Twilight

By msarko on 7/6/10 4:35pm
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pictured: Kristen Stewart trying and failing to envision talentpictured: Kristen Stewart trying and failing to envision talentAccording to my doctor as of my most recent visit to his practice, I am currently not and have never been a 13-year-old girl. Perhaps this is why I have never understood the appeal of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight books or their movie adaptations. What's truly baffling, though, is that I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the pop culture frenzy that has washed over our nation about the series and remained for years. I'm not some closed-minded hipster who is blind to the appeal of things I personally don't enjoy. For example, I don't give a toss about Miley Cyrus or her Hannah Montana character, but I totally get why my 5-year-old niece is enamored with her. I'd also never put spinning rims on my car, though some part of me can sympathize with the desire to do so. After all, spinnas are shiny and toy-like. As a former child, I can see why someone would be compelled to attach them to his or her vehicle unironically. But the appeal of Twilight completely escapes me. Let's break this down, shall we?



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Ticking Tuesday News- Wax, Tattoos and iPhones

By msarko on 6/29/10 4:09pm
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Jason Bateman Defends New Line-Cutting Religion

Actor Jason Bateman has been in the news a lot lately for allegedly getting some unfair celebrity treatment while recently standing in line for the latest Apple iPhone. According to witnesses at the scene, an Apple Store employee escorted Bateman from his position in the early morning line that had formed outside the store in anticipation of the new product, bringing him inside to give him the first new iPhone sold at the location. Though many iPeople have been in an iTizzy ever since the i...Incident, Bateman has defended his actions, as well as further line-cutting behaviors, by stating that he has adopted a new faith that sees cutting in line as a sacrament. Bateman has since been seen moving ahead of others with impunity at his local Jamba Juice, a busy men's restroom at a movie theater and even at his doctor's office. When approached by interviewers about this behavior, Bateman said, "When I adopted this way of life I knew not everyone would understand. That young man at the Apple Store is a sign to me that things are getting better in this country for my people, though. He recognized my needs and acted accordingly. Peace be upon him."



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