February 2009

  • Joaquin Phoenix Ate Joaquin Phoenix

    By msarko on 2/12/09 12:12pm
    Add Comment

    In his Oscar-winning film, Walk the Line, Joaquin Phoenix plays singer Johnny Cash. During an early scene when Robert Patrick, who plays Cash's father, confronts his boy about his obsession with music, the man says, "God took the wrong one." He's referencing the accidental death of Cash's brother. As we witness the steady decline of Joaquin Phoenix, I can't help but have the same sentiment as Patrick's character concerning the mortality imbalance between Joaquin and his real-life brother, River.

    River Phoenix was one of the most promising young actors of his generation. He had the sensitive intensity of James Dean and the otherworldly diversity of Marlon Brando. But his demons got the best of him and he died outside a nightclub from the most hardcore drug overdose imaginable. That's right, River Phoenix was so awesome it took a tag-team effort between heroin and cocaine to take him down.

    Read more >

  • Dumbass-assins

    By msarko on 2/10/09 11:52pm
    Add Comment

    OK, America. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. I was trying to be nice and sensitive, not branding you as a bunch of mouth-breathing morons whose whole lives are just one big cliche. Yeah, I know, I'm American, too. Well, sort of. According the inbred racists among you, we semitic types are just pretending to be white Americans. Seeing as that particular genetic country club has a lot of high-profile scum for members, I'm glad to be denied access to the golf course.

    Read more >