August 2009

  • The KFC Double Down Makes My Mouth Sweat

    By msarko on 8/28/09 3:41am
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    Recently, the vainglorious bastards at KFC released the Double Down Sandwich in two test markets in the United States. So far, I've yet to see one piece of news about this thing that isn't some tired attempt at being funny while simultaneously wagging a non-fat chai latte and Pilates at 3:00 finger at our fat, loathsome nation. As a slender loudmouth with no claim to dignity or love of my fellow man, I'd like to step out in defense of the KFC Double Down.



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  • Ticking Tuesday News- August 25th 2009

    By msarko on 8/25/09 8:26pm
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    bearer of hotness, destroyer of 'putersbearer of hotness, destroyer of 'puters

    Chris Brown to be Mildly Inconvenienced

    Alleged pop singer Chris Brown was sentenced today for savagely beating his girlfriend, actual pop singer Rhianna. He'll have to hold off on punching his problems away until his probation expires in five years. Additionally, Brown has been sentenced to 1400 hours of delightfully vague "labor-oriented service", which he plans on fulfilling by carrying a box of magazines from one end of his apartment to the other for one hour a day for the next four years. The nebulous sentence may also provide an avenue to a career change via the Los Angeles Lamaze Childbirth Preparation Center in Santa Monica.



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  • The Adventures of J.M. Simon, Part 1: How Hempfest Ruined My Career

    By msarko on 8/19/09 12:35am
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    Good afternoon and thank you so much for allowing me to present this amazing opportunity to you today. Just like your neighbors know, you will soon discover the importance of Hassleman Engineering's contribution to the field of wet-vac technology. You see, many homes today have a combination of carpeted and hardwood floors, and anyone with hardwood knows just how irritating it is to have to use two different devices just to keep their home clean. With the Hassleman All-n'-One, you can service your entire home with the same dirt-fighting super system. No longer will you have to manually sweep those hardwood floors. Why, that's just like... that's just... it's like dragging sand paper... it's... aw, who am I kidding?



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  • Lurie Welcomes Michael Vick to Eagles with Puppy

    By msarko on 8/14/09 1:06am
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    Former film producer and current owner of the Philadelphia Eagles football team Jeffrey Lurie came under fire this week for providing a controversial gift to his newest acquisition, infamous quarterback Michael Vick. Vick, who played for the Atlanta Falcons until his prison term beginning in 2007, arrived in the City of Brotherly Love to a chorus of barks and howls from his new best friend, a six-month-old male Weimaraner.



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  • Hahahahahahaha!.. ooh... College Kids

    By msarko on 8/4/09 5:03pm
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    When I did an image search for "college" half of the results were porn, so here's a puppy instead.When I did an image search for "college" half of the results were porn, so here's a puppy instead.

    It might shock some of you to find out that in my college years I was an aloof, bitter sonofabitch with a superiority complex. Sure, the combined frustrations of taking epically pedantic classes with no application to real life and having to work with the Brazil-like bureaucracy of one of the top ten biggest single-campus universities in the United States probably contributed significantly to my consistently foul mood. I can't say how significantly because I barely managed a C- in Statistics with a generous bell curve. What I can say for certain is that my fellow students were the single greatest annoyance on any given day. There's very little about college kids that isn't irritating. They manage to mix a desperate need for approval, an over-eagerness to be adults and a complete lack of responsibility. They're a trifecta of youthful stereotypes.



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