September 2009

  • Ticking Tuesday News- September 29th 2009

    By msarko on 9/29/09 7:18pm
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    Director Roman Polanski To Use 70's Defense

    In the past week, Oscar-winning film director Roman Polanski has been fighting an attempted extradition to the United States after being arrested in a Swiss airport on charges of forcing sex on a 13-year-old girl over 30 years ago in Hollywood. A cavalcade of the movie business's most esteemed individuals has come out in support of Polanski, who was en route to the Zurich Film Festival when Swiss officials brought him into custody on the authority of an American warrant. Such acclaimed actors and directors as Monica Bellucci and John Landis have echoed Polanski's assertion that the decade in which the crime took place dismisses the inherent insidiousness of its nature. "Come on," Polanski implored in an recent interview, "It was the 70's. A lot of crazy [expletive redacted] happened. There was coke and sex all over the place. What I did happened every [expletive redacted] Tuesday."



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  • Ticking Tuesday News- Emmy Fashion Edition

    By msarko on 9/22/09 3:13pm
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    This past Sunday, September 20th, the 61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards meandered onto our TV screens pumped full of expensive liquor and a cornucopia of fancy pills designed to have contradictory effects while establishing a storied, life-long addiction. While the Emmy's are ostensibly about the television industry patting itself on the fashionably exposed back for being pretty and successful, everybody knows that it's really just about celebrities prancing around in ridiculous costumes and giving delightfully vapid interviews on the red carpet. I don't have any problem with this. Actors aren't smart or interesting, they're just attractive, which is why they need a room full of writers and a dictatorial director to help them mimic human emotions. So, here's the skinny on the red carpet outfits for the 2009 Emmy Awards.



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  • Ticking Tuesday News- September 15th, 2009

    By msarko on 9/15/09 3:04pm
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    lives every moment in fearlives every moment in fearThousands Gather Around Pottery Wheels to Await Swayze Ghost

    Upon the death of actor Patrick Swayze late yesterday evening, an unprecedented number of pottery wheels have since been sold across the United States and Canada. Devoted fans of the late performer's work have been methodically spinning ceramic pots while listening to "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers since approximately 10:00 PM Eastern Time. Said one of the clay-bending devotees, "I thought I maybe felt [actor Patrick Swayze's ghost] around midnight or so. Then again, it could have just been the cat screwing with me."

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  • Ticking Tuesday News- September 8th 2009

    By msarko on 9/8/09 4:06pm
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    George Clooney's "agent"George Clooney's "agent"

    Rolling Stone Writer Not Sure About These "Beatle" Poseurs

    Upon receiving an advance copy of the remastered Beatles albums due for public release tomorrow, a writer for Rolling Stone Magazine who has asked to remain anonymous expressed his doubts concerning the band's ability to capture their listeners' affections.



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  • Ticking Tuesday News- September 1st 2009

    By msarko on 9/1/09 12:13pm
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    the new face of tortured heroesthe new face of tortured heroes

    Vatican Rules on Duggar Case: 19 Officially Not A Miracle

    The Duggar family, led by a man who honestly goes by the name Jim Bob and his wife, an empty cavern of inhuman fertility named Michelle, has decided to add yet another child to their 18-heavy brood. The announcement of this most recent argument in favor of state-sanctioned sterilization comes in the wake of the Duggar family's contract with the king network for high-brow entertainment, TLC. They are the stars of 18 Kids and Counting, which is the kind of series premise we used to imagine when we made fun of reality shows ten years ago.



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