Cheesus Rice On A Chex Mix Cross: Jesus In Food

Recently, a terminally white couple named Dan and Sara Bell from my second favorite state, the lost chunk of Mars called Texas, found an irregular Cheeto and came to the only conclusion one can expect from a rational mind in that situation: That they had stumbled upon yet another image of the Savior Himself as He appears in popular foodstuffs. The salty snack, just the most recent in a long line of divine edibles dubbed "Cheesus", drew the attentions of the ever-more-illustrious media minds at CNN.

Now, because they are true Americans from the greatest (re: biggest if you don't count Alaska, which I don't) state in the union, the Bells immediately began discussing the business potential in their composite starch Christ. How much could they get for it on Ebay? 25 cents, admittedly a huge mark-up considering the 99 cent price tag of a full bag of Cheetos? How about 25 dollars, because human beings are like monkeys, only less honest and easier to distract? Until the Bells can find a buyer, they're keeping their crunchy Lord and Protector in a disturbing little knick-knack, a transparent plastic "box" that looks an awful lot like a coffin. What they were doing with a tiny, plastic coffin in the first place, I have no idea. Maybe they wanted to go for First Place in Dallas's annual Lenin Diorama Competition.

Our idiotic country has a long history of pretending to see images of religious figures as Renaissance artists imagined them in food. Moreover, we have a tradition of allowing otherwise credible media outlets to cover such appearances. The good people at Newsweek have been at the head of that game since they lent credence to the insanity of a New Mexico woman in 1978 who saw the face of Jesus in a tortilla then turned her house into a museum for the thing. But because "tortilla" isn't conducive to Jesus-related puns, the fad soon died out.

Since then, people have been seeing Jesus, The Virgin Mary and other holy figures in food products all over the world. Some pieces have sold at auctions for tens of thousands of dollars and one particular Canadian casino has made a collection of them to draw in tourists. Now, I know I have a reputation for being a bitter, cynical husk of a human being, but I genuinely believe these items are signs from Heaven. Follow me down this path of magical thinking.

Jesus could appear in any number of guises, yet he chooses food. And not just any food, but deeply humble food. He is not in fois gras and filet mignon. No, Jesus appears in grilled cheese sandwiches, snack foods, fish sticks and tortillas. One might say that this is a coincidence of being food that is more commonly found in the possession of desperate, uneducated people, but to that I say hogwash! Jesus imprints His divine soul on simple foods for a very good reason:

Jesus is totally on the marijuana.

Bear with me, here. We've all known guys with long hair and sandals who crave Cheetos, tortillas, fish sticks and grilled cheese sandwiches. Guys who talk about peace and love, guys who are a little radical in their political views and have frequent run-ins with authority figures. It only makes sense that the J-Man is a righteous toker. So that's why I think we ought to band together as a nation and legalize it, man. Not because of "multiple scientific studies into the relative harm of the substance" or the "billions of dollars our country will save every year in law enforcement", but because Jesus says it's cool.