The 2010 Emmy Awards have come and gone, though we'll always have the pictures to remind us of all the good times, all the hard times and all the stupid, stupid things celebrities wear to get attention. Let's lower the crosshairs into position and make the red carpet a darker shade of crimson.

A dedicated team of volunteer conservationists managed to rescue Heidi Klum from the latest offshore oil spill site, though her stunning white dress was sadly ruined in the process. Good on her for still making the Emmys after such a traumatic experience.

 

 

Official reports have the train on January Jones's dress stretching approximately 7 miles behind her, originating at the site of a cellophane factory that was destroyed by a mysterious radioactive meteor several years ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All hail Anna Paquin, the newly crowned Empress of the Everlasting Empire of Glorious Persia, stretching from the frozen steppe of the   Far East to the rolling deserts of conquered Egypt! Tremble beneath her divine might and relinquish your riches to her unrivaled treasury!

 

 

 

The Imperial Court of Empress Anna Paquin would also like to extend its deepest condolences to Edie Falco, who arrived at the red carpet in mourning vestments for her departed husband. Had the Empress known of the sudden and unexpected passing of Senator Marcus Lucius Sextus, she would have sent a care package of fine wine and recently acquired slaves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christina Hendricks's breasts arrived in this old-fashioned lavender ensemble. They gave a few cordial interviews, gracefully posed for a v ariety of photographers and commented on the weather. Hendricks herself merely followed, seeming delighted just to be a guest at such a star-studded event.

 

 

 

Toni Collette, finally deciding to break free from the draconian restrictiveness of her tyrannical father's estate in the English countryside, stole away at the very crest of dawn and ambled across the muddy, peaty fields of Oxfordshire to make it to the Emmys. Though her once-pristine gown was sullied, the joy of liberty made her feel like the prettiest creature at the awards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Dianna Agron,

Please marry me. You and I both know how happy I could make you. We could be the great Hollywood couple of the 21st century, I a writer and you a triple-threat performer. We would be like a less tragic Marylin Monroe and Arthur Miller. And this thing you're doing now, the Southern Belle thing, I'm totally into it. I would definitely move to a stately manse in Savannah or something, if that's what you want. We were meant to be together. I think we can agree how obvious our love is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jon Hamm, still the classiest mutha in the known universe.

 

Meanwhile, Alan Cummings woke up on the morning of the Emmys, genuinely tried to give a shit, failed, then put on his nephew's tux by mistake.