According to my doctor as of my most recent visit to his practice, I am currently not and have never been a 13-year-old girl. Perhaps this is why I have never understood the appeal of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight books or their movie adaptations. What's truly baffling, though, is that I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the pop culture frenzy that has washed over our nation about the series and remained for years. I'm not some closed-minded hipster who is blind to the appeal of things I personally don't enjoy. For example, I don't give a toss about Miley Cyrus or her Hannah Montana character, but I totally get why my 5-year-old niece is enamored with her. I'd also never put spinning rims on my car, though some part of me can sympathize with the desire to do so. After all, spinnas are shiny and toy-like. As a former child, I can see why someone would be compelled to attach them to his or her vehicle unironically. But the appeal of Twilight completely escapes me. Let's break this down, shall we?

Possible Appeal #1: Vampires Are Awesome

Everybody likes vampires. People who say they don't are dishonest individuals with incendiary trousers. Vampires are awesome because they are usually rich, powerful, live forever and can attract any person they want. They don't need day jobs and they can kick ass without going to the gym. Ah, but not all vampires are created equal. Stephenie Meyer's vamps pretty much represent everything that's cool about history's prettiest monsters after a thorough de-fanging. In the sunlight they don't burst into flames (which is rad), they freaking sparkle (which is too lame to even exist). When they get bloodlust they don't tear into their victims' necks in a way that is both brutal and sexy, they just talk about it endlessly. Instead of using their superhuman speed, strength, agility and senses to do the impossible, they use them to play baseball. What do they do when you stake them through the heart, start singing Maroon 5?

Possible Appeal #2: Dreamy Boys Being Dreamy and Shirtless and Dreamy

Robert Pattinson is not a bad-looking fellow. Taylor Lautner sure does have some big muscles. These are two good reasons why so many young girls would be ga-ga over Twilight, but it's really not enough. Jean-Claude Van Damme was also handsome and muscular back in the late 1980's, but there weren't long lines of teen fanatics waiting outside theaters for Blood Sport. Also, the books don't have any pictures in them, so any sex appeal coming from the male leads was originally dependent on the literary craft of a hack religious conservative.

Possible Appeal #3: Teenagers Have Actively Terrible Taste

This seems like the most likely candidate to me. Young people with raging hormones and no sense of the way the world actually works tend to have terrible, terrible taste in just about everything. That's why most of them dress like idiots and listen to music that seems designed for the sole purpose of annoying older people. Coupled with incredible stubbornness and a desperate need to belong to a group, this characteristic bad taste may just be enough to drive young girls to love what is perhaps the worst series of movies made in the past two decades.

If anyone would like to enlighten me concerning why Twilight is so popular, feel free to take me to school in the comments section.