The world collectively wept today when Jake Pavelka, the most recent titular stud on ABC's popular reality dating series The Bachelor, announced that he and his assumed true love forever and ever Vienna Giardi have officially split. We at The Ticking Tabloid are especially heartbroken. We had so many elaborate plans, so many hopes and dreams for Jake and Vienna. I mean, how could they do this to us? Have they never heard of marriage counseling? It's almost as if they were never in love, like ABC and everyone involved with The Bachelor were just stringing their viewers along for some motive other than the sanctity of two souls being unified by the fires of passion only to be tempered by the perpetually cool waters of dedication and commitment.

We 'Bloiders are just flabbergasted at this news. We followed along with Jake for weeks, for months, guiding his lonely heart's arrow to its one true target in Vienna the only way we know how, which is to shout at the screen and hysterically cry whenever he showed even the slightest interest in any one of the other tarted-up, too-attractive, cookie-cutter women who probably all just wanted to get their faces on TV. There were times when we even thought Jake didn't see that Vienna wasn't like those other girls, that he didn't see how much of a very special, unique snowflake of modern love she was. That's why the moment when he chose her during the finale was so thrilling. It was an instant of pure light in a world of otherwise unrelenting darkness, a much-needed slice of vindication pie. And now this happens. Now we find out that Jake and Vienna aren't even going to try to work it out. Truly the level of gasting in our flabber is unprecedented.

I suppose we should have saved the receipt for all of these baby clothes, which the entire Ticking Tabloid staff took a seasonal pay cut to purchase, Jake and Vienna. We wanted to be prepared for the gaggle of little miracles the two of you were supposed to produce, so we bought over three dozen custom onesies with names embroidered on them. We weren't entirely sure what names you would actually choose for your gorgeous offspring (and they would be gorgeous), so we made sure to get one outfit with each of the names we came up with in our office. It took two sleepless, Red Bull fueled nights, but we narrowed down the list to 40 essential contenders. We were going to further eliminate them with a table full of roses when Vienna actually got preggers, but... but...

Why, Jake and Vienna? Why couldn't you just give it another shot? We worked so hard looking around the San Diego area for a love nest to call your own. The prices down there are a bit more reasonable than in L.A., ya know. It's important to consider cost of living if you're going to raise a family. We could have gotten some real deals thanks to the housing market these days. You could have gotten a foreclosed house in a good neighborhood for a steal. Instead you've decided to continue living in your depressing, loveless, single-occupant residences. Well, that's one bird-themed welcome mat that's going back to the Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Let this be a lesson to you, future Bachelor and Bachelorette participants. You better be sure you're ready for the responsibility of true love before you go on one of those shows. If you're not, you may just end up like Jake and Vienna, two halves of one soul that should rightly be together but couldn't handle the intensity.