In writing this blog I have become increasingly aware of how easily people jump to erroneous conclusions. There's a lot of stupid out there and in an age when everyone has a camera, a blog or some other information capture/dissemination medium our entire culture is like a net designed to catch as much of it as possible. Bearing this in mind, I usually try to keep myself from being just another panicky idiot who makes a hobby of taking things out of context. But this time, I'm afraid I have to nip this one in the bud lest it grow like the potential weed that it is and choke the life from the emerald lawn that is my heritage.

Recently, former pop diva/current haggard husk of a person Britney Spears has neither confirmed nor denied the speculation that she's converting to Judaism. This rumor, like all things that probably aren't true but might be, is based on a few shaky facts. The spark that set this pile of over-produced, drug-addled hay ablaze is the necklace Ms. Spears have been seen wearing around whatever combination of semi-real cities in which she dwells. It looks like a Star of David, but I wouldn't put it past Brit to pick one up because she thought it was pretty, in the same way I'd expect her to wear the crescent moon of Islam because she likes Lucky Charms.

Then there's the case of Britney's man-friend Jason Trawick, who's one of them thar actual, factual Semites. Some very, very unreliable sources claim that Britney has started working with a rabbi so she can take part in Trawick's culture.

I think I speak for a vast majority of my fellow circumcision crazy, gefilte fish eating, backward language speaking 'Brews when I say that we really don't want Britney Spears under our banner. We're flattered, really. We know you've had a rough decade, Britney, and we recognize that you might just want to get your life in order this time around. Still, considering the decade we've had, I think we can reserve the right to be picky.

You see, Jewish culture isn't about taking in the troubled and wretched so we can make a zealot out of a very confused, pliable individual. It's easy to jump into a religion when you're a mess and need some quick, obvious guidelines for how not to be a screw-up. It's another thing entirely to go around presenting yourself as a representative of a people who, to put it lightly, are in a fairly constant PR crisis. We've had a rough time, us Jews, convincing the world that we're mostly good people in the 21st century. Britney doesn't seem to realize that her presence won't do any good for the people who have to answer for the likes of Paul Wolfowitz and Bernie Madoff.

So, sure, we let celebrities play in the fake L.A. version of Kabbalah a few years back because it was easy enough not to associate ourselves with that den of silliness. This is different, though. Very different. It's the difference between putting ketchup on a Quarter Pounder and putting ketchup on a filet of Kobe beef.