The Campaign To Save The Republican Party

It might shock some of you to discover that I'm something of a left-leaning guy, a dirty liberal, if you will. And not just moderately liberal, either. No, I am in fact a card-carrying member of that conspiracy to turn your babies into pot-smoking atheist homosexuals who write for the New York Times. All of them. Each and every one. The Times will be 1000 pages thick and have an evening edition again. That's why it may seem a little dissonant when I say that I believe we need to band together as a nation to save the Grand Old Party from its current tailspin.

These days, those old boys who are sticking around in their proverbial club have been wasting their time fighting with increasingly anachronistic radio personalities and trying to get everyone to stop paying attention to Sarah Palin's rotten offspring. They just don't seem capable of maintaining the intimidating black suit presence that made them a viable political force in the 20th century. Without the fearsome gravitas of a Republican filibuster, Hopey Hussein McChange is running amok with our government, putting Jews and competent women in his cabinet and giving a seat on the Supreme Court to a cleaning lady. They may put on a brave face, but Republicans need saving these days.

Now, as a concerned citizen I welcome the demise of one of our country's more backward, violent elements. But as a humorist, I shudder to think what my work material would look like in a world sans the GOP. The Democrats, at worst, are bumbling and interminably boring. It's the difference between having a nutjob war veteran with PTSD teaching history, and a dry-as-Saltines former shoe salesman from Nebraska at the blackboard. Sure, Dems have their scandals, too. They're just depressing scandals, like screwing the chubby intern when no one's looking. That doesn't hold a candle to, say, using a government computer to solicit an underage boy for furry cosplay in his own back yard.

That's what Alan David Berlin, an aide to Pennsylvania Senator Jane Orie, did. Why? Because that's how neocons roll. I'm a progressive enough guy that I'm not going to point and laugh at the silly furry fetishist. That "culture" isn't my thing and I'll admit that I don't get it, but all things considered it's just not that messed up. That doesn't mean it isn't still embarrassing as hell, though, double that for a Republican governmental figure. It serves as the final piece of a humiliation-amplifying trifecta. Berlin not only wanted to have sex with another male (tame), he wanted to have sex with an underage male while wearing home-made animal costumes (creepy and hilarious because it didn't actually happen).

That's why we need to save the GOP from self-destruction. When liberals engage in vice, it's just another Saturday of vanilla deviancy. When conservatives do it, they go off the deep end in a cherry-red convertible shooting fireworks. Please, give these people just enough power for them to abuse it in amusing ways.

Immediate Laugh Factor: 9/10- I'm not giving this one a full 10 because anyone who hears this story will take a moment to ask, "Did he actually go through with it? No? OK... HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Overt Ludicrousness: 7/10- It's pretty absurd thanks to the fursuits and the yard-sex, but if the Internet and recent history have taught us anything, it's that both furries and crooked Republicans are more prevalent than initial estimates had shown.

Depth of Cultural Wound: 2/10- There's nothing long-term about the damage done by a conservative with dark desires. It's practically in the job description.

Total: 18/30- Because this Bloid Bomb comes care of our friends on the Right, it'll probably land somewhere dusty and predominantly brown. A small boy, the son of a goat herder, will return home one day to find the modest hut in which his family once dwelled leveled by the blast. He will be saddened, enraged and deeply confused when he searches the wreckage and can only find a replica of a fennec fox's tail and a half-empty bottle of lube.