Compare and Contrast

Classiest Chinese Toddler Around

Before us we have two people. One is the 49-year-old governor of one of the "scary" states, the other is a 2-year-old Chinese boy whose father has decided to medicate him with cigarettes. On the surface, these two individuals may seem to be very, very different. It is my contention that they are, in fact, the exact same person. Observe as I proffer the evidence.

Exhibit A: Concerning Health

Tong Liangliang, the 2-year-old boy from Tianjin, was born with a hernia. A freaking hernia. Now, I'm no medical scientific so-and-so, not that I trust them anyway. Nope, I don't need your silly "objective, rational medicine" because I ascribe to a deeper truth. Namely, the power of a force that is beyond the limits of language to describe that I have decided to call "Magicine". That's right, Magicine.

Through my Magicinal knowledge, I have determined that infants don't get hernias, only people older than myself. This knowledge will come in handy tomorrow when I plan to successfully lift an entire piano over my head using the power of Magicine. And while Magicine can do many things, one thing it cannot do is allow tobacco to relieve hernia-related pain. Apparently, nobody told Tong Liangliang's father about that, because this is exactly how the kid got addicted to cigarettes before he was even capable of controlling his own bowel.

Of course, I don't believe Tong is actually 2 years old, because of his hernia. No, he is, in fact, 49-year-old governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford.

Exhibit B: Concerning Money

The state of South Carolina is currently in something of a financial pickle, unlike the rest of us lucky Americans. As a result, the state decided to send Mark Sanford to Brazil and Argentina on a trade mission.

Yeah, I dunno how that one worked out in committee, either.

Anyway, Sanford ended up knocking boots with a woman in Buenos Aires, then continuing his torrid romance with her for over a year. For several days last week he was missing. When he returned his claimed he had taken an impromptu hike on the Appalachian Trail. This would make sense if Sanford were, in fact, a 21-year-old college dropout and not the 2-year-old Chinese boy he truly is.

The truth here is obvious, at least to me and my Magicine-improved mental prowess. Mark Sanford didn't go to the Trail, nor did he go to Argentina to be with his lover as he now claims. He actually went to Tianjin City to negotiate a deal with the same Chinese companies that put lead in toys and poison cat food out of negligence, all in a bid to save the state of South Carolina some money.

Exhibit C: Bringing It All Together

Given his unique state of being, a simultaneous 49-year-old American governor and a 2-year-old Chinese boy with a nicotine addiction, Mark Sanford was especially suited for financial deals with Chinese businesses. However, when his Asian partners called an emergency meeting, he had to leave South Carolina without notice. The deal fell through and Sanford's dubious connections planned on exposing him as the world's youngest smoker. Knowing that his birth in China two years ago would render him inadmissible as a United States governor, Sanford concocted an elaborate, two-layer lie about the Appalachian Trail and his Argentinian tryst. Now he is embroiled in scandal, but his career can be salvaged.

At least that's more believable than a milquetoast Republican risking it all to have a once-in-a-lifetime romance in Buenos Aires, then having a change of heart and deciding to return to the state he loves so well and rescue it from financial meltdown at his own expense.