Several months ago, the all-star collective of culinary satirist geniuses at Kentucky Fried Chicken assaulted Rhode Island with what may just be the greatest invention in fast food history, The Double Down Sandwich. I have been vocal in the past about my completely unironic love for the concept of the Double Down. Whereas the majority opinion in the media about this item has been uniform revulsion and general outcry about its implications for the state of health in America, I love that this ridiculous novelty food exists. Now KFC has announced that the Double Down is going national. That's right, those of us who live far, far away from the chicken-scented paradise that is Rhode Island will, as of April 12, have access to fresh Double Down sandwiches of our own. I am quite literally giddy about this development.

I'm also cautiously optimistic about the Double Down's supposed release into the general populace. The fact that KFC made the announcement on April Fool's Day is not lost on me, but if I trust any force in this world, I trust the pursuit of money by corporations. See, publicity stunts only work about half the time, and even then they tend to be more functional for individuals than for brands. Maybe I'm just not enough of a corporate-minded guru to synergize KFC's exciting new paradigm 2.0, but I can't see any way that the company would benefit from cock-teasing us shameless, self-destructive Americans with a fake Double Down release.

So, all the above in mind, I have every intention of visiting my nearest Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on the 12th of April to pick up my very own ruthless meat brick of a fried sandwich. Don't worry, I won't leave you readers out in the cold on this one. I will blog my experience, complete with original photographs of this glorious, legendary beast of a food item. I swear by my honor as a documenter of the human condition, no matter how ugly, that I will describe the experience of procuring and consuming the Double Down.

This won't be just another article, folks. It will be a mission to prove a point. I was born around the time when our country officially went insane about health trends. The 80's gave the world some of the most ridiculous diets and exercise fads in history, but with each passing year we have far surpassed that stupidity. Today we've even gone so far as to attempt legislating healthy living, an idea that sounds good in principle but has been consistently approached from the wrong angle. Where our society ought to be subsidizing gym memberships, giving tax breaks to people who take steps to not stress our crappy health care system, and changing school physical education curricula to include more meaningful things than freaking dodgeball, we're making transfat illegal and putting sanctions on fast food companies.

So, here's my plan. There is no Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant close to my residence, but I will walk to the nearest one (which is approximately ten miles round trip). I will consume the Double Down in one sitting, documenting my physical and mental state of being during the entire episode. I will even record my weight before and after consuming the sandwich. I will do all of this to prove that it's not delightfully absurd foods like the Double Down that are making our society the physiological dregs of the world. If I survive the experience unscathed, I will finally be able to put my personal seal of approval on what I believe may just be the most socially important food of the decade.