The Future of Simon Cowell

no matter what game you're playing, Simon Cowell always wins

For the past ten years, Americans have delighted in/pretended to be offended by record executive and American Idol judge Simon Cowell. But now the venomous Brit has decided to say goodbye to his seat between a black stereotype and drunk, as well as the wildly (now mildly) successful show he pretty much manufactured from the ground up. Unlike other TV celebrities who have decided to loudly exit their programs, there's very little doubt about where Cowell goes from here. He already has The X-Factor, which is pretty much American Idol except with significantly less shame about being one, long sales pitch. Also, there are currently 21 different versions of the show airing in dozens of countries. What does 2011 have in store for Mr. Cowell?

Well, more X-Factor, for one. The United States will play host to the 22nd version of the show approximately two thirds of a second after American Idol folds. The US X-Factor will air on Fox, which currently runs Idol, and the sheer stupidity of that maneuver may or may not cause an implosive singularity in the space-time continuum, depending on which theoretical physicists you talk to.

Let's clear this matter up once and for all. There is literally no difference between American Idol and X-Factor. They are both amateur singing competitions that end with a record deal designed to do nothing more than sell one giant shipment of albums before everyone promptly forgets/hates the artist. These days I get the feeling that the only reason Kelly Clarkson is still famous is out of some sense of tradition. The Idol people really tried to make Clarkson a superstar, but scads of terrible music and what may just be the worst movie ever made have a way of killing a career. So, the folks at Sony Music keep plugging their ears and pretending that she's a worthwhile property because they'd rather be absurd than admit they were wrong about one of their business models.

The long and short of it is that Simon Cowell isn't going anywhere except one lot over to a new set. But I have higher hopes than that. See, re-branding is a tricky prospect. Sometimes it works, a lot of the time it doesn't. Hell, when Sci-Fi Channel changed just the spelling but not the pronunciation of its network to Syfy there was blowback. I have no doubt that most of the American Idol fans will flock right over to X-Factor, I just don't think they'll stay for very long.

We're officially in a new decade, which means that we've got about a year, two years tops, before the majority of what was cool just a few months ago becomes automatically lame. Televised talent competitions are already wearing thin enough to rub a piece of KFC on it and turn it transparent. It's only a matter of time before sparkly 20-somethings belting out the millionth rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" becomes passe.

Of course, by that point Simon Cowell will have moved on to the next big thing. It's not like the guy didn't have a career prior to 2000 and I imagine he'll be behind several more generations of schlock before he finally dies atop his bed made of hundred dollar bills, fresh supermodels and uncut cocaine. So, in a roundabout way I'm actually glad that American Idol is being replaced by X-Factor. Like grandpa's artificial heart valve, it's a replacement that can only indicate the end is near.