The KFC Double Down Makes My Mouth Sweat

Recently, the vainglorious bastards at KFC released the Double Down Sandwich in two test markets in the United States. So far, I've yet to see one piece of news about this thing that isn't some tired attempt at being funny while simultaneously wagging a non-fat chai latte and Pilates at 3:00 finger at our fat, loathsome nation. As a slender loudmouth with no claim to dignity or love of my fellow man, I'd like to step out in defense of the KFC Double Down.

First, what exactly is the Double Down Sandwich? Besides a work of ingenious, edible conceptual art, it consists of the following: A glob of secret sauce (always a good sign) encased in two kinds of mass-produced cheese which is itself encased in bacon, and two pieces of boneless fried chicken holding the whole thing together in much the same way people have been using bread to hold traditional sandwiches together for centuries.

Now, because I live in a city where apparently vegan is the new gay, I'll probably never actually get my hands on a KFC Double Down. This makes me a little sad, not just because the thing looks and sounds horrible and delicious, but because it's so misunderstood. The Double Down is like a fetus that everyone in town really wants to get aborted. It hasn't even had the chance to live yet as a ridiculously impractical, cost-ineffective fast food product. The outrage surrounding the Double Down is unwarranted and just plain stupid.

Actually, all of the would-be satirists who have been making fun of the Double Down lately make me think about the DARE program. I don't know if they even run that joke of a drug use prevention program anymore, but my peers and I had to sit through it every damn year growing up. See, DARE based its approach on a partial information campaign. As far as the put-upon police officers, glorified coloring books and cheap video presentations of DARE were concerned, drugs are just harmful slices of magic that bad people give you to make you bad and then kill you. DARE never mentioned that, while they're killing you, drugs have pleasant side effects. That's what the Double Down is like. Sure, heroin ruins bodies, screws up minds and outright kills people, but it also gets people really, really high. That's why people use it despite all of the horrible things it does to your body.

So, that in mind, you'd have to be a complete idiot to not know that the KFC Double Down is bad for your health. It's up to individual consumers to decide whether or not they want to endure the physical harm of a Double Down so they can experience the joy of eating fried chicken with bacon and cheese at the same locus in time-space.

On top of all this, I absolutely love that I live in a nation where such wantonly absurd things actually exist. If some KFC executive comes out and says that it was all a joke, I'm going to be more pissed than I've ever been about anything, ever. The Double Down isn't just ridiculous or stupid, it's downright silly. It's the kind of food 5-year-olds come up with because they have no concept of consequences yet. I would rather live in a world where the Double Down is an option than one that is unwaveringly reasonable and sober. If we're going to kill the Double Down in its crib with our current health craze, why stop there? Why don't we just turn all rollercoasters into tram rides because all those hills really aren't sensible? And fireworks? Nothing we couldn't do with a public reading of a list of colors.

Also, I hate chickens. I absolutely loathe them. Anything that will bring more chickens to the slaughter, I support. By using chicken meat as the preferred substitute for bread, we can finally rid ourselves of the most inept birds on the planet.