My 2010 Celebrity/Entertainment Wish List

why... why is Meredith Baxter looking at me like that?

As we near the end of another ridiculous year, I think back on all the things I wanted for 2009 and I can't help but feel rather disappointed. All the wrong celebrities died, most of the stupid trends have yet to expire (except for Crocs. Crocs are gone, right? Right?), and alas, reality TV is still a major fixture in most network programming schedules. Still, I remain defiantly optimistic about 2010's potential to be a great year for the entertainment business. Here are a few things I hope to see happen in the coming year.

1. The Travel Channel Stops Trying To Be The Food Network

I know this may seem like a trifle, but I hate to see a good premise get swallowed up by cheap attempts to grab ratings. Once upon a time, the Travel Channel was exactly what it sounded like, a TV station that focused on programming about cool vacation spots, luxurious hotels, massive cruise ships and out-of-the-way attractions in exotic locations. At its best, the Travel Channel could be a simultaneously intriguing and relaxing bit of television. Instead it's currently just a lame series of gimmick shows featuring living cartoons stuffing their faces. When PBS still has better travel shows than something called the freaking Travel Channel, it's time to take a long look in the mirror and decide whether or not you've lost your way. I don't want to see another TLC happen.

2. All Closeted Gay Celebrities Decide To Come Out Insisting "It's No Big Deal"

The reason our society still treats homosexuality like a contagious disability is because we haven't stopped perceiving it as being more important than it actually is. Easily the most egregious force behind the perpetuation of what scientists are calling "OMG TEH GHEY!" is the insistence of celebrities on making their sexual orientations a source of drama. Since when do your bedroom habits require a press release, a tell-all book and a tearful guest spot on Oprah? It's especially ridiculous when a celebrity who hasn't been in the spotlight for ages uses coming out as a publicity stunt. You mean Meredith Baxter, that woman from that show from twenty years ago who occasionally pops up on horrible TV movies is a lesbian!? Please.

3. Found A New Sport

As evidenced by the increasingly outlandish things our sports stars do in their off time, it seems that traditional games are no longer interesting to our super-human athletes. That's why I'd like to see an entirely new sport come into being in 2010. I don't care about the details, I just want it to be complicated, dangerous and patently absurd. Make it involve patches of ice, ramp jumps, trampolines and pit traps. Make a scoring system so convoluted that none of the players are aware if they're winning or losing. Make the opposing cheerleading squads wrestle in oatmeal. If it'll keep players from seeking thrills at the expense of strippers, dogs and bookies everywhere, then it'll be worth it.

These are just a few things I'd like to see happen in 2010. My wish list, like some kind of stress-related tumor, grows more with each passing year. Perhaps the next 365 days will be less rage-inducing that '09 was. Maybe, but probably not.