Remember when Hollywood used to rely on completely new material and adaptations that actually made sense? Well, I don't, but I was born in the mid 80's so at least I have an excuse. With the summer blockbuster season just around the corner, we, the viewing public, have a startling lack of variety awaiting our ticket purchases for our warm month movie-going. Or, alternatively, if you were born in the last thirty years and are strapped for cash like the majority of your peers, you'll have to decide which bloated action movies and unfunny comedies to illicitly download for free this summer. Here's the quick breakdown.

In April, our society will continue the grand illusion that Sam Worthington is a bankable star by putting him in front of a green screen for another couple hours in a remake of Clash of the Titans. Now, I'm no purist and I don't give half a toss about the stop-motion-tastic original, but I'm getting a little sick of seeing awful screen renditions of Greek mythology when actual ancient Greek stories are perfectly entertaining. Why should we have to endure a flashy remake of an already spotty film when classical myth is already full of things that modern audiences love, i.e. pointless violence, wild sex and deep humiliation?

Speaking of actors who are inexplicably popular and old movies that were never that good to begin with, Oliver Stone decided that now is the time to make a sequel to his quasi-interesting 80's favorite Wall Street, only instead of using a compelling actor like Charlie Sheen (as he was back then), he's opted for Shia LaBeouf. I don't have any particular problem with The Beef except that Hollywood has spent the past decade trying to make him into an action star or a great romantic lead instead of the nebbishy rodent he was destined to play. As for the necessity of a Wall Street sequel, it might have been a striking commentary on the state of American economics were it made five years ago. Now it just seems like a feast of low-hanging fruit.

And if you're feeling nostalgic for more crap from the 80's, they've remade Nightmare on Elm Street. If you've never seen the originals and you're on the fence about the remake, I'll save you the trouble: The old ones sucked and the new one is going to suck more because it won't be funny.

I will take a moment to cautiously suggest that Iron Man 2 might just be good enough to see in a real theater because the first one was decent and all the important folks involved with the first one are back on board for the sequel. Sadly, this also means more Gwyneth Paltrow and Terrence Howard, but nothing's free.

Remember sorta liking Kevin Costner's Robin Hood back in the early 90's? Then you were probably a small child with bad taste. Or maybe you were just Russell Crowe and you wanted to make another one twenty years later. Either way, this remake is pointless.

I refuse to write in all caps, but I am actually shouting when I say, "Shrek 4 has no reason to exist other than to torture parents for being lame!"

Oh, and Sex in the City 2 is coming out, in case you're about ready to break up with your insufferable girlfriend or wife and you need a good excuse to end things in public.

And it seems that I've run out of space. But there are so many more stupid adaptations, remakes and sequels left. I guess I'll have to come back later. Ain't the state of popular entertainment grand?