An Open Letter From Pepper The Penguin

To Any and All It May Concern,

The constant media coverage and pressure from so-called "family rights" groups has made it apparent that the intimate details of ma vie de boudoir are essential to keep this big, blue world spinning on its axis. So, I'll let the vultures among you pick at my broken heart like you so deeply desire.

It's true. Harry and I have... gone our separate ways. But it's not as simple as the paparazzi have made it out to be. I know that the nuances of a years-long relationship don't make very good headlines, but you could at least have some respect for our love. It's not all about bumping our vaguely male anatomies together, ya know. Sure, Harry's with Linda now, but I guess I...

I'm sorry. Let me get my composure.

I should have known this was going to happen one day. Back when our romance was in its torrid infatuation stage (oh, the fish tosses!) I knew Harry had a thing for the XX set. Not all of us are playing for the home team, ya know. I remember how upset Harry would get when groups on both sides of the debate, the debate over our love, called us "gay penguins". Poor Harry, he struggled for such a long time with his identity and it ostracized him on two fronts. It's not easy waddling around called yourself a Bi-peng. The straight ones think you're just trying to get attention and the gay ones think you're too afraid to come out of the alcove.

But I understood him. Harry's complicated. Yeah, and I'm a fool. I thought for sure if we raised a chick together that he could get past all those other tendencies. Hell, it worked for that German couple. But then Linda came along and that was that.

I don't mean to be bitter. Linda's a... a nice penguin. Really, she's lovely. I imagine it was tough for her coming into this situation. The heart wants what it wants. Now they've got their little home next to the belly-sliding spot (Harry's such a show-off) and they seem happy, I suppose. I had to move, but that's alright. That old scene was starting to bore me anyway.

But then that good-for-nothing naked ape, Peter LaBarbera, had to go and say something stupid just to tout his bigot club Americans For Truth About Homosexuality. He compared my species to gerbils! Honestly, eating our young? Are you out of your over-encephalized skull, LaBarbera? It's not like your species has a great track record when it comes to sexual health. Harry and I raised a beautiful son. What did Ted freaking Haggard ever do?

So, just to make everything perfectly clear, this isn't a case of big-N "Nature" turning my Harry "straight" just because some fem cloaca popped out of the water on Free Under 12 Day. I will not be demonized just so you fundie idiots can make a point. 'Cuz ya know what? I got a knock on the entrance to my new cavern late last night and guess. who. it. was...

Like I said, Harry's complicated.