Paula Deen's Ham War and the End of Oprah

Food Declares Independence From Paula Deen

It was a wet thud heard 'round the world when one intrepid ham launched a kamikaze attack against loud, unspeakable southern stereotype and occasional TV cook Paula Deen. After years of abuse and tyranny, all edible materials have banded together to declare independence from Deen and what their spokesvictual calls "Her wanton disregard for the rights and well-being of all consumable citizens of this world."

Deen has been a Food Network star for the past decade where she has forced life-threatening cuisine on viewers and perpetrated an untold number of crimes against fresh ingredients. Among her Geneva Convention (of food) violations are her well-documented use of butter above and beyond the amount described in the United Nations Security Counsel's 1997 French Limit Documents and a repeated belligerence concerning the What Thou Shalt Fry ethics first delineated in the Magna Carta. While no nation excluding Togo for some reason has officially recognized food's independence from Paula Deen, none have responded to Deen's call for aid. Log in for more on this story as it develops.

The End of Oprah's Show: Wealth Limit or Return to Alien World?

All-around media mogul and documented egomaniac Oprah Winfrey recently announced that she will be officially ending her wildly popular daytime talk show in 2011, but has not said why. Experts have speculated on a number of theories since the announcement and have urged world governments to begin planning for one of several potentialities.

Herman Mossbergh, professor of economics at Rutgers, has been the most vocal proponent of the Wealth/Fame Ratio Limit Theory. Mossbergh and others have posited the idea that any given human being has a natural limit to how rich and influential he or she can be. When a person reaches that limit, says Mossbergh, some event must and will occur to reduce one or the other element. Oprah has apparently reached the critical Wealth/Fame quotient and must now react according to the laws of nature. A similar event occurred recently in the life of super-rich, super-famous author J.J. Rowling. Her immense wealth coupled with her record-breaking notoriety resulted in the creation of Stephanie Meyer, writer of the Twilight saga. The shift in attention balanced Rowling's ratio so she could continue to exist in this plane of existence.

The other popular theory concerning Oprah's departure from television is that her time on this planet has simply expired and she must now return to the distant planet from whence she came. Omaha area video store clerk Ross Jenkins has written extensively on this theory, tracking what he believes to be Oprah's intergalactic vessel and the advanced technology she has used over the years to attain and perpetuate her immense fame. While the inevitable economic collapse of Oprah's departure is the chief concern among all experts, Jenkins cautions against the greater threat of a full-scale invasion by Oprah's species some time in the next century.

Oprah could not be reached for comments in either English or the bizarre variety of clicks and gargles that make up the alien language decoded by Ross Jenkins.