On days like today it's just impossible to feel down about the world. I could have woken up with an ulcer and received a final notice from some bill collector and today still would have fit firmly into the "good day" column. Why? Well, because Our Illustrious Queen of Everything in Perpetuity Tyra Banks has announced her contract with Random House for not one, not two, but three whole fiction novels. This is just incredible news and it keeps getting better the more I read about it. I would have been satisfied with a bunch of stupid, vapid fashion guides and self-help books that begin and end with Gwyneth Paltrow levels of "I'm so rich, why aren't you?" sentiment. Oh, but Tyra is giving us so much more than that.

Though not a single word has been written yet, Tyra has been fairly vocal about her plans to create a fantasy series called Modelland. No, it's not a story in the grand tradition of Magic Realism about an unusual Colombian village that ironically reflects the absurdities and excesses of global corporate culture in the past century. Don't be embarrassed, I made the very same assumption myself. Rather, the title is pronounced "Model Land" and though no details have been released (or likely imagined) yet, Tyra has been promoting her dessicated little heart out with a stunning stream of hollow sales copy. It's all non-specific language about magical worlds where "dreams can come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye". Oh, this is gonna be the best thing to happen to literature ever. I can barely contain myself. This is huge. This is Harry Potter huge. In fact, I anticipate that the soon-to-be literary epic of Modelland is going to follow an arc similar to J.K. Rowling's billion-dollar fantasy series. Follow me, if you will, down this speculative rabbit hole.

Modelland will begin with a young woman, perhaps going by the name Byra Tanks, feeling unfulfilled in her hum-drum world. You see, Byra's a bit of a plain Jane, a mousy girl who always had dreams of being one of the beautiful people but never thought she could actually achieve such heights. And then, one fateful day, a magical portal opens up at a makeup counter at Macy's, transporting Byra to the fantastical dreamscape that is Modelland. Once there, she learns all the arcane do's and don't's of fashion, as well as the secret power of how looking good can make you feel good. Armed with mystical lipstick, foundation made from starlight and rouge distilled from the blood of her evil enemies, Byra will become the savior of Modelland as it is beset on all sides by wicked Orcs.

It's only a matter of time before this revolutionary work of fiction grabs the attention of every major movie studio in America, nay, the world. Ah, but their desperate bidding war will be as nothing, for Tyra has already established Bankable Studios. Do you readers know what that means? It means that a Modelland movie is practically guaranteed. And who shall star in this inevitable feature-length depiction of pure hubris? Why, I can think of no one better suited than author, model, talk show host, crazy person and incidental actor Tyra Banks. As I recently explained to my Ethiopian immigrant neighbor, America truly is the land of opportunity.