Chris Brown to be Mildly Inconvenienced

Alleged pop singer Chris Brown was sentenced today for savagely beating his girlfriend, actual pop singer Rhianna. He'll have to hold off on punching his problems away until his probation expires in five years. Additionally, Brown has been sentenced to 1400 hours of delightfully vague "labor-oriented service", which he plans on fulfilling by carrying a box of magazines from one end of his apartment to the other for one hour a day for the next four years. The nebulous sentence may also provide an avenue to a career change via the Los Angeles Lamaze Childbirth Preparation Center in Santa Monica.

Melanie Griffith Suffers From Sexiness Overdose

Actress Melanie Griffith has checked into the Cirque Lodge in Utah, an upscale drug rehabilitation facility. Early reports indicated that this third stint of chemical recalibration in the past five years may be intended to address a prescription painkiller issue with which Griffith has struggled since sustaining a neck injury. What the mainstream media doesn't know is that this most recent stint in rehab is the result of too much sexiness. Melanie Griffith has been married to Spanish heartthrob Antonio Banderas for several years- Too many years, according to some doctors. Ticking Tabloid has the full story.

"Sexiness is an endorphin agonist with significant analgesic effects," says Ticking Tabloid medical consultant Dr. Aaron Masterhaus, "But it is also susceptible to mounting toxicity with chronic exposure. American consumers, like Canadians and Swedes, often lack the proper filtering mechanisms to handle prolonged exposure to Spanish sexiness. Griffith's sexiness overdose was only a matter of time."

Recent statistics show that Antonio Banderas remains the #1 source of Spanish male sexiness in the US, though he is followed closely behind by Javier Bardem.

Jessica Biel Arrested For Property Damage

While filming scenes for a currently unnamed film in Brownwood, Texas, actress Jessica Biel was arrested by local authorities under the charge of $10,000 in property damage. The arrest came on the heels of computer security company McAfee's report that Biel's name tops the list of virus and malware-laden Internet searches. The Brownwood Police Department mounted a taskforce to investigate Biel's alleged connection to the destruction of over 100 computers within city limits. One victim, Ted Graham, described the loss of his personal computer to the actress's rampage. "My buddy Bill told me (actress Jessica Biel) showed them titties in a movie I never heard of. Soon as I went looking for some pics, the screen just went all blue. When I opened the sucker up, weren't nothing inside but a bunch of junk."

Brownwood police chief Virgil Cowin has rejected claims that the BPD doesn't really understand how the Internet works by spitting a strand of chewing tobacco at the shoes of dissenters and twirling a non-regulation pistol on his finger.

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