Mark David Chapman Denied Parole Again

Mark David Chapman, the individual who was convicted of the murder of rock icon John Lennon in 1980, was denied parole from his life sentence today, making this the sixth time his case has been reviewed. The three-person panel who decided to keep Chapman in prison had plenty of things to say about their decision. One stated, "Come on, man. You killed a freaking Beatle. And not just any Beatle, but one of the two that people really, really liked. That was about the worst thing you could have done in 1980. If Jesus had come back in 1980 and you had to kill either him or John Lennon, you'd have still been better off committing deicide." One of the other panelists followed this statement by saying, "Look at the world around you, Chapman. War. Disease. Economic strife. I'm pretty sure that's all your fault. Forget Obama, if John Lennon had continued to contribute to this world, we'd be living in some kind of paradise by now." The third and final panelist said nothing except for her series of unintelligible wails as she clawed and kicked Chapman out of pure, enraged grief.

Sean Penn Defends His Haiti Beliefs From Wyclef Jean

The conflict between rapper Wyclef Jean and Sean Penn has been widely publicized as of late. Jean made a bid for the presidency of Haiti following last year's devastating earthquake, though he was deemed ineligible for the post. Penn is a jet-set political activist whom some may remember was once a promising young actor. He recently wrote an article about his experience in the Haiti cleanup efforts for The Huffington Post in which he suggested that Jean was not adequately involved with the ground-level realities of that embattled country. Jean has since said many disparaging things about Penn, even implying that Penn is a cocaine addict. In a recent, noticeably sober statement, Penn responded to this by saying, "Look, I'm not trying to pick a schoolyard fight here. It's just... well... Wyclef, you're a rapper. Not a great rapper, but not a bad one, either. I know you've got some connection to Haiti but that doesn't change the fact that you have literally no experience in politics. Stringing words together rhythmically doesn't qualify you to be the head of state of any country, even a poor, destroyed one."

Hulk Hogan Insists Injury Wasn't Wrestling-Related

Iconic professional wrestler and reality TV star Terry "Hulk" Hogan was recently hospitalized for an unexplained back injury. Hogan, who is an estimated 209 years old, vehemently denied that his ailment was the result of any recent wrestling endeavors. Despite the full-sized, regulation WWE ring currently in his back yard, Hogan has consistently insisted that he no longer participates in the popular entertainment sport. Several of his neighbors have complained about the noise emanating from Hogan's property, especially the full-volume recording of Rick Derringer's "Real American" and the pyrotechnics that often accompany it. One neighbor even claimed to see former WWF superstar The Ultimate Warrior emerge from a nearby bush and strike Hogan with a folding chair. Though this is unlikely considering Hogan and Mr. Warrior's long-time alliance, a double-cross would explain why Hogan would have been unprepared for the assault.