Ticking Tuesday News- Emmy Fashion Edition

This past Sunday, September 20th, the 61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards meandered onto our TV screens pumped full of expensive liquor and a cornucopia of fancy pills designed to have contradictory effects while establishing a storied, life-long addiction. While the Emmy's are ostensibly about the television industry patting itself on the fashionably exposed back for being pretty and successful, everybody knows that it's really just about celebrities prancing around in ridiculous costumes and giving delightfully vapid interviews on the red carpet. I don't have any problem with this. Actors aren't smart or interesting, they're just attractive, which is why they need a room full of writers and a dictatorial director to help them mimic human emotions. So, here's the skinny on the red carpet outfits for the 2009 Emmy Awards.

Victoria Rowell decided to show her patriotism by wearing what I can only assume is a disposable table cloth for some sort of liberal redneck picnic. If I had any idea who Victoria Rowell is, I would suggest boycotting whatever awful show employs her.

Blake Lively reportedly strangled no fewer than three seamstresses for failing to make a dress out of the exact same material as the red carpet itself. Aside from the resulting delusion that the dress will force people to interview her any time she wears it, the outfit was a hit. Fun fact: Blake Lively's Emmy gown was designed so she could rip out of it and have sex with her own reflection at a moment's notice.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with the Emmy attire of Amazing Racers Kynt Cothron and Vyxsin Fiala.

Phoebe Price cast a wild, fantastic spell on the Emmy Awards to make everyone forget that her outfit was patently absurd. In related news, Phoebe Price continues to believe she is a magical creature from the Arcadian Beyond.

Drew Barrymore survived massive blood loss, a flash flood, a fall down a long, steep set of stairs and a vicious poodle attack to make it to the Emmy's. Good for her.

Geez, Heidi Klum sure has let herself go. I mean, I know black is supposed to be slimming, but there's a limit, am I right?

Jon Hamm simultaneously exists in the modern day and in the early 1960's. Which is just fine with me.

Olivia Wilde's Emmy... uh... um... Olivia... um... Wilde... Emmy... muh... Wait, what article am I writing again?

As for every other man who walked down the red carpet, they're men. They wear suits composed of slacks, button-down shirts, sport coats and ties. They don't show off their abs and they don't wear their hair in strange bits of organic sculpture that take hours to construct. Wanna know why our culture supports the double standard? Because it would take too freaking long to get anything done if both sexes were expected to get all gussied up. One of us has to be quick and plain about our attire, so it might as well be the one who doesn't give a damn.