Charlie Sheen Ready To Be Boring Again

Ne'er-do-well actor Charlie Sheen has checked into a substance abuse rehabilitation center for what his lawyer has asked all media personal to refer to as "the umpteenth time" for an unspecified issue. Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller, is also currently enjoying a stay at her own, separate clinic, though she recently relocated from a different facility after an unfortunate incident involving the privacy of her room, person and/or drugs. The famous couple has had a rough winter, including a Christmas Day domestic dispute that critics of the format have been calling an instant classic. Charlie Sheen is best known today for his work as the co-star of Two and a Half Men, a sitcom that has been scientifically proven to be the least offensive TV show ostensibly about sex within the realm of possibility. Sheen's drug dealer, who asked to remain anonymous, prescribed a cornucopia of mind-altering substances to keep Sheen from being too lame as a result of the show. Now that the actor has decided to get clean, his publicist has started a campaign to assure fans of Two and a Half Men that its star will be even more bland and middle-brow once he returns from rehab.

Interchangeable Human Cogs Mildly Concerned About "Grey's" Star

The chatter around the water coolers of accounting departments all across the country is positively tepid with the rumor that Katherine Heigl, one of the headliners on ABC's medical saltine "Grey's Anatomy", may or may not be entertaining considerations to possibly, at some point in the future, cease appearing with regularity on the program. Heigl has had moderate success as a film actress, managing the incredible feat of appearing in one of the worst movies of each of the past three years. She took a significant portion of last season off for maternity leave after she adopted a baby and gave it a stupid, made-up name. Celebrity analysts say this was a premature maneuver, as Heigl isn't yet famous enough to do either of those things. Sources also suggest that Heigl is still fatigued from her massive loss of goodwill resulting from poor career decisions following her turn in Knocked Up. More on this unremarkable story as it fails to develop.

Paula Abdul Drunkenly Stumbles In, Out of "Idol" Set

Former singer and American Idol judge Paula Abdul reportedly consumed an entire handle of Popov brand vodka, wandered around Los Angeles in a stupor and somehow found herself on the Fox lot where Idol is filmed. 20th Century Fox executives released a statement assuring authorities and the public that Abdul was not injured during her stay on the set and that "security personnel were actually quite tender with her" when she was eventually ejected for trespassing. Before her removal from the premises, Abdul took her former seat at the judge's table and began handing out criticism and suggestions to hopeful singers conjured from her own imagination. Simon Cowell, who was enjoying a late lunch at Wolfgang Puck's Brasserie in Hollywood, instinctively gave the phantom performers a thorough cutting-down.