Gibson Crash All Part of the Plan

Actor, director and noted bigot Mel Gibson officially enacted Step 77 of his long, complicated plan to self-destruct spectacularly over the course of several decades when he ran his 2008 Maserati into a hill in Malibu yesterday. Police are uncertain as to exactly how Gibson's car veered so far off the road, only that he wasn't intoxicated at the time. Or rather, intoxicated this time. Mel Gibson Analytic Specialists at Stanford University have theorized that the crash signaled a new stage in the life cycle of the actor's path of pain throughout the world. While his early exploits involved excessive drug use followed by a middle period of obsessive violence both in films and in real life, this new, still theoretical period will be characterized by random acts of inexplicable destruction. "We've been expecting his racism and antisemitism emissions to taper off for a while now," says Dr. Louis Chang of the Stanford team, "We're now keeping an eye out for unexplained window-shattering events and the occasional breaking of random children's toys." No word yet on how long this stage may last or what, if anything, will follow it.

Friend of Joaquin Phoenix: "You kidding? It's drugs."

A friend of actor and would-be rapper Joaquin Phoenix (who asked to remain anonymous) commented definitively on the explanation for Phoenix's strange behavior over the past several years, including his new autobiographical documentary I'm Still Here. Said the friend in a recent interview, "How do you not see it? It's completely obvious. You say you have no idea what's been going on with Leif... I mean 'Joaquin'. Seriously. You kidding? It's drugs. Joaquin Phoenix is and has for a long time been on lots and lots of drugs." The friend went on to cite Phoenix's erratic behavior, wildly fluctuating weight, terrible beard and confrontational personality as signs that the actor has, in fact, been consuming epic amounts of mind-altering substances for several years. The friend then produced a pamphlet titled, "Ten Signs Your Loved One Is A Substance Abuser" and read aloud each of the signs, to which he then produced analogous aspects of Phoenix's own current lifestyle. "I mean, it's plain as day," said the friend, "And I think it's sick that nobody around him is trying to help him."

Police Shrug As Routinely Violent Thugs Attack Reality TV Star

In the latest course of pop culture's endless meal of self-cannibalization, roughly 2000 Juggalos rushed the stage during Tila Tequila's set at the Gathering of the Juggalos music event in Hardin County, Illinois. For no apparent reason, the Juggalos (fans of the Insane Clown Posse and other "horror-core" rap) decided to assault Tequila during the show, then chased her back to her trailer which they proceeded to vandalize, forcing Ms. Tequila to flee the county with her entourage. Seriously, I'd usually use this space to make fun of the event, maybe exaggerate it a little or come up with a phoney quote as a punchline, but I don't think I actually need to do any extra work here. A bunch of violent hicks dressed up like clowns assaulted a rapping reality TV star who named herself after liquor with bottles, garbage and human waste harvested from portable toilets, all for no reason at all. My job has been done for me once again by the Juggalo/Vague Celebrity community.