Cloris Leachman Threatens Press With Knife... In Jest

Emmy-hoarding actress Cloris Leachman, in an overzealous attempt to promote her new show Raising Hope, held several members of the press hostage with what one reporter described as “The biggest [expletive deleted] knife I've ever seen.” Police arrived on the scene and found all the exits in the building where the junket was taking place wired with explosives. The first attempts to negotiate with Leachman ended badly. The actress sent out an envelope with a hostage's severed ear in it, warning police over the phone that “...more pieces will be coming out if I don't get what I want.” Among Leachman's demands were a series of positive reviews of the first three episodes of Raising Hope, a fully fueled helicopter and an opportunity to cut actress Betty White across the face with her knife. After 18 terrifying hours, Leachman released the hostages and emerged from the building, revealing that it was all just a joke meant to increase awareness of her new show. The injured hostage's ear was successfully reattached at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

Lady Gaga Continues to Make Unrealistic Claims About Her Genitals

No other performer today is quite as talented as Lady Gaga at drumming up publicity. Aside from making increasingly bizarre music videos and designing the most unusual costumes imaginable for her public appearances, Gaga has managed to keep the public's attention focused on the goings on between her legs. In her most recent outlandish statement about her reproductive region, Lady Gaga claimed that she has an inexplicable fear of having her creativity stolen through her vaginal cavity during sex. This comes just a few months after Gaga came out in support of celibacy despite her highly sexualized music videos and suggestive lyrics. Of course, all statements made by Lady Gaga must be taken with a grain of salt. After all, as far back as early 2009 she claimed that she is not, in fact, a drag queen, a prospect that is patently absurd to anyone with functioning eyes.

Jerry Bruckheimer Concerned About Good Movie Trend

Super-rich shlockmeister Jerry Bruckheimer told The Ticking Tabloid in a recent candid interview that he worries for his career as a purveyor of mindless, insulting dreck now that good movies seem to be coming back into fashion. He referenced the box office domination of Christopher Nolan's science fiction masterpiece Inception as his top concern for the future of horrible, bloated blockbusters. “For a while it looked like Avatar was going to push sci-fi in my direction, but now... now I don't know.” He then went on to list a litany of other not-terrible movies that have been doing well this summer, including Despicable Me and Salt, both of which have both critically and financially outperformed Marmaduke and Knight & Day. Bruckheimer then stared into the distance, absently sipping from a glass of whiskey for a straight hour.