"Lost" Tissue Box Fetches 20K

Few shows in the history of television develop fan communities as avid and enthusiastic as ABC's sci-fi/mystery/intellectual wankery fest Lost. When the series called it quits this past Spring, it was only a matter of time before this beloved bit of pop culture was preserved in some sort of tasteful museum alongside some of the greatest shows... wait, sorry, I meant broken up into barely meaningful chunks of props and other memorabilia to be auctioned off in one last bid to coax money from an already very lucrative project. Among the offerings were fake cans of "Dharma Initiative" beer, an old van with "Dharma Initiative" stenciled on the side and other completely mundane things made somehow more valuable by bearing the Dharma Initiative brand and allegedly once sitting on the set of Lost. The most shocking item sold at the auction was an empty facial tissue box ABC executives claimed star Matthew Fox used during his time on the show. One representative called it, "Matt's emotion box", claiming that Fox only ever reached for the tissues housed in this particular box when the script or filming process became emotionally overwhelming for him. The prospect that Matthew Fox's sweet, hidden tears may have once touched the box compelled the winning bidder to shell out $20,000 for it.

Paris Hilton Condemns Gardener to Prison

One of the police officers who responded to heiress Paris Hilton's 911 call on Tuesday morning has come forward, driven by his guilty conscience to pursue the truth, however futile. At just before 7:00 AM PDT, Ms. Hilton called in a panic claiming that "a guy with two big knifes" was trying to break into her home. Police arrived on the scene and arrested the man, whose name has yet to be officially released. The concerned officer, who has asked to remain anonymous, has been spending the day trying to convince his colleagues, the prosecutor on the case and Hilton herself that the man in question was not a knife-wielding maniac but rather Hilton's gardener who has been coming to that very residence every Tuesday for several years. The "knifes" he allegedly carried were, in fact, a well-worn pair of shears he regularly uses to trim the bushes outside Hilton's home and he wasn't attempting to break into the home, he was merely wiping away a few drops of liquid plant food that had accidentally dripped onto the front door handle. Just shortly before being tackled by the police for attempting to "break a window" the gardener was waving to his employer through said window in the same cordial manner he has for quite a long time. No word on whether this story has been confirmed, though a small child did arrive at the police station this afternoon asking "why daddy didn't pick me up from school" while pointing to the accused.

Message From The Future From "Jersey Shore" Star

A coded message from the year 2070 arrived at various newsgroup headquarters earlier today and experts have positively identified it as a dying plea from The Situation of the hit reality TV series The Jersey Shore. The message depicts The Situation old and bedridden, whispering his last words in the cavernous mansion that has become a metaphor for the empty opulence of his life. Despite decades of successful self-promotion and an endless stream of merchandising, The Situation will find himself longing for the love and simplicity of his childhood, as represented by a simple sled that sadly won't escape the all-consuming fires of apathy that follow his death. When presented with the message from the future, present-day The Situation simply flashed his abs and shouted, "Whateva! I ain't neva gettin' old anyway!"