Ticking Tuesday News- October 13th 2009

Jon Gosselin Gleep Gibble Muzzlefuss

TV dad Jon Gosselin higgledy babo kurbinstubin. Oink rabadoo wakka wakka blah, Kate fribble snool and yakkity yak. $180,000 huzzuh creegie, Jon vittiv prabado.

21 Year Old Marge Simpson Bares All

In the most recent edition of Playboy Magazine, young ingenue Marge Simpson can be seen in the buff, a dream come true for many of her adoring fans. The blue-haired mother of three (four if you count that one Halloween episode as canon) has been on television her entire life, a run that has included some controversial near-nude scenes and even some suggestive dialogue when she was technically underage. Some find her recent spread in Playboy to be offensive despite her age, including many vocal feminist groups.

"It's simply unacceptable," says Carolyn Vermeer of the American Womyn's Union, "Simpson is allowing the patriarchal entertainment industry to exploit her so they can perpetuate an impossible standard of beauty. She looks almost exactly the same as she did two decades ago and has had a team of Korean specialists keeping her thin despite the rigors of bearing children. Is this the message we want to send to our children?"

Some further controversy has arisen over the question of Simpson's compensation for appearing in the magazine. There are reports that the comedy star is not receiving any payment at all where many famous women have seen six-figure paychecks. When approached about this, Simpsons creator Matt Groening responded, "Are you serious? She's a freaking cartoon, you perverts."

OMG, Miley Quit Twitter!

Inexplicable pop culture item Miley Cyrus shocked billions when she recently announced she will no longer be using the popular micro-blogging tool Twitter. A candle light vigil in Nepal to mourn this loss is reportedly being attended by 300,000 people and has been in progress for nearly 14 hours now with no signs of breaking any time soon. A rash of suicides across the United States is also rumored to be related to Cyrus's shocking decision.

Radical good taste terrorist groups have released videos claiming a successful trolling attack on the now-defunct Twitter feed along with vows to eliminate Miley Cyrus's "Miley and Mandy" Youtube videos by 2011. The Department of Homeland Security has already made 20 arrests related to these threats, killing as many as five members of a cell located in Anaheim, California. More on this riveting story as it develops.

Scientists: Robert Pattinson Super Cool, Dreamy

Robert Pattinson, who plays the sparkly vampire Edward in the movie adaptations of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight novel series, has recently been scientifically proven to be both Super Cool and Dreamy. Investigations into Pattinson's SCD Index began after his brief but memorable appearance in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but only received proper funding after his turn as the puberty-inducing bloodsucker of Meyer's imagination. An all-star international team of physicists labored for months to collect and analyze data concerning Pattinson's now confirmed levels of coolness and dreaminess.

"It's a very complicated process," says project lead Dr. Wilhelm Dremen of Stuttgart University, "One must determine coolness intensity independent of the dreaminess vector, which is a lot like trying to coax the nutrinos from an unstable atom." Though the Pattinson SCD Investigation and Abstraction Team released their findings too late to be considered for the Nobel Prize in Physics, they have high hopes for next year's running.