Ticking Tuesday News- October 20th 2009

New Pot Laws... Wait, What's Going On?

A recent memo from the desk of President Barack Obama urged federal law enforcement agencies to cease pursuing the application of anti-marijuana policies. This decision effectively puts any and all Schedule I drug prosecution concerning marijuana in the hands of state and local authorities, a turn that differs significantly from the stance of the George W. Bush administration. The implications of this memo in conjunction with medical marijuana laws in various states... states... states... huh, the word sure does sound funny when I say it a bunch of times in a row. Row. I'd like to go out on a row boat some time. Gosh, I'm hungry. Ya know what would be good? Some of that spicy Chex Mix with those garlic chip things. What are those things anyway? What if, like, the whole universe was just, like, one giant garlic chip and our galaxy was just one little granule of garlic salt? Man, I don't even know what's going on right now. I feel like I should be doing something, but I can't remember what.

Balloon Boy to Attend Fake Therapy for Fake Trauma

Falcon Heene, the Fort Collins boy who was falsely reported to be stuck in a homemade balloon that crashed near the town last week, will begin attending sessions with fake psychologist Dr. Gregor Rocketship to work through the fake post traumatic stress disorder from which he has not suffered since not experiencing the extensively covered misadventure. FPTSD is a not at all dangerous condition from which potentially trillions but actually no one suffers every single year. Dr. Rocketship is a nowhere-renowned psychologist who has treated less than one patient over the course of his nonexistent career. When asked why they chose to leave their son in the hands of Dr. Rocketship, parents Richard and Mayumi Heene responded, "Well, we needed to find someone with a name that is somehow less believable than Falcon."

Catholic Church Welcomes Anglicans and Soon Jews, Muslims and Jedi

After centuries of separation, the Catholic and Anglican churches may be on the verge of an historic reconciliation. The Catholic Church has seen a significant decline in membership in recent years thanks to a worldwide trend toward atheism and agnosticism, as well as several years of controversy concerning sexual misconduct among Catholic priests. The Church has decreed that they will allow Anglicans to come under the purview of the pope and retain Anglican rites in the process, including marriage for ministers. This is just the first tier in a plan by the Vatican to boost membership. By 2022 the Church plans on setting provisions for many other faiths to join the Church while keeping their own traditions, including most sects of Judaism and practitioners of Sunni, but not Shia, Islam. A source from within the Vatican claims that most Cardinals are in favor of welcoming Wiccans, Vampyres and Jedi into the fold as well. It is estimated that by the year 2100 roughly 90% of all people on Earth will be invited into the Catholic Church with no obligations beyond tithing.