Ticking Tuesday News- October 27th 2009

Soon to play Michael Jackson

Inevitable Michael Jackson Movie Star Search

Upon his death this past summer, there was no doubt that a theatrical biography film about Michael Jackson was on the horizon. Several months down the line and the first buzz about the movie has started to rise in the teeming hive that is Hollywood gossip. Naturally, the biggest concern on anyone's mind about the Jackson bio-pic is who will be cast to play the fallen King of Pop. While there are many talented actors performing today, this writer has one suggestion that obviously outstrips all potential others. No one in Hollywood or beyond is fit to play Michael Jackson at any stage of his life better than Lindsay Lohan. As a dangerously thin, drug-addled white woman prone to awful career decisions and of ambiguous sexuality, Lindsay Lohan is in a unique position to understand Jackson in the last fifteen years of his life. As for any scenes taking place prior to 1994, Lohan can simply be augmented with makeup and CGI.

Kate Gosselin Thinks She's More Famous Than She Is

America's shrill, gaudy, completely unbearable wife Kate Gosselin could most recently be seen desperately grasping the proverbial spotlight in a recent Q&A with her dwindling viewers. She answered a series of obviously staged inquiries into the many facets of her vapidity then avoided any substantive concerns about the well-being of her children, who are ostensibly the only reason she has a show in the first place. Brushing off questions of why she tore her children away from their beloved pet puppies just shortly after they survived the ugly, public divorce of their parents and subsequent demonizing of their father, Kate batted the queries away in favor of lighter fare. Among her absurd fantasies are the belief that she will be asked to voice a character in a cartoon movie despite the condensed sonic evil that emanates from her throat, as well as a deep delusion that she will have a career in show business after TLC finally shovels her wreck of a show into the unforgiving fires of cancellation.

Clooney Adoption Rumors Create Infant Frenzy

In a recent interview with People magazine, ginormous heartthrob George Clooney made an off-hand comment about adoption, which instantly set in motion an unprecedented wave of bizarre behavior in children under the age of 7. Toddlers all across the world are still being picked up by local authorities trying to hitchhike to Hollywood, while other, more savvy tots continue to attempt to make transit to Lake Como, Italy where Clooney makes his residence. The ongoing Oxford University Infant Study has seen a marked increase in Clooney-related ease efficiency. Subjects have recently been found to cry 75% less than the control group whenever images of the Fantastic Mr. Fox star are visible, which is up from 53% just two weeks ago. Even currently gestating individuals are reacting to the news, kicking wildly and even ineffectively clawing at their uterine walls in attempt to grow closer to their would-be daddy. Older children are holding out hope that Clooney will be more interested in a charge who is beyond any inconvenient diaper-related phase. More on this non-story as it develops.