Ticking Tuesday News- October 6th, 2009

Letterman Apology to be New Segment on Late Show

After the widespread media coverage and unqualified success of "Late Show" host David Letterman's televised apology for his multiple workplace affairs, the famous funny man says he intends to make heartfelt apologies a recurring segment on his popular late night talk show. A "Late Show" producer attempted to extort two million dollars from Letterman by threatening to expose numerous extramarital affairs in which Letterman had engaged with several staffers on the program. Not to be blackmailed, Letterman chose to come clean on the air. His apology was a mix of genuine self-admonition and his famous brand of dry wit. The apology was so well-received by viewers and critics that the savvy talk show host says he plans on making a weekly apology segment to air tentatively on Wednesday nights. "I'm only human," says Letterman, "I've got plenty of material for the new segment. Next week, I'm juggling a couple ideas about this one time the clerk gave me too much change and I just kept it. Or maybe that day I told the mailman I didn't like him just because I was feeling grumpy."

Jon Gosselin Conflicted About Eventual Porn Career

TV personality Jon Gosselin, who up until recently was a headliner on TLC's reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8, has found himself out of work but not out of the public eye. He has made numerous television appearances with his divorce attorney in an attempt to give his side of his increasingly dramatic breakup with wife Kate. Jon was fired from the controversial program late last week after his tension with Kate grew too strenuous for the once family-friendly tone of the show. Now that Jon has been released from his contract with TLC, he acknowledges that it is only a matter of time before he is forced to capitalize on the inherent sexual innuendo of the reality series. While there have yet to be any specific discussions between Jon and any major adult entertainment company, several copyrights have already been filed for titles such as "Jon and Aria Plus 8" and "Kate and Kate Plus 8 Jons in a Row". Jon Gosselin's attorney was unavailable for comment as he was too distracted by the giant dollar signs that had inexplicably replaced his irises.

Town of Santa Clara Devastated by Bardem/Cruz Engagement

Several lay dead and many more wounded as an unstoppable wave of Spanish sexiness struck the town of Santa Clara, California upon news of the engagement of actors Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz. The couple were apparently driving through Santa Clara on their way to a romantic getaway in Castle Rock State Park when a shockwave of sexiness emanated from their vehicle, causing an estimated $10M in property damage and gravely injuring an as yet unknown number of residents and tourists. Among some of most badly hurt was a sightseeing group from Yinchuan, China whose combination of cultural isolation and geographic distance from Spain made them particularly vulnerable to Spanish sexiness. Dr. Aaron Masterhaus, the resident Ticking Tabloid medical consultant and regional sexiness expert, claims that the Bardem/Cruz Incident is a prime example of the dangers of unchecked Spanish sexiness. "Without proper countermeasures like pictures of old ladies in bondage gear or emergency ice-cold shower facilities, we can expect more events like this to take place in the future."