Ticking Tuesday News- Old Things

Betty White Talking Sultry Sitcom

Red-hot sexual ICBM Betty White has been really making the rounds in Hollywood these days. The sizzling star actress recently announced that she would be appearing on that paragon of modern humor, Saturday Night Live, after a successful Facebook campaign caught the attention of NBC executives. This comes as no surprise, as White has long been associated with a cutting-edge, tech-savvy approach to her career. Betty White is an excellent fit for SNL, as both were in their prime of freshness and relevancy no fewer than thirty years ago. Fans clamoring for more of Betty's enviable lusciousness are in luck. Word on the Hollywood grapevine has her in talks with various networks about her very own sitcom. The proposed title is the apt Hot in Cleveland. While the exact premise is currently under wraps, given White's reputation it will likely be a risque deconstruction of gender norms and other social conventions. To, as one anonymous executive said, "keep things nice and anachronistic", White will likely co-star with a cavalcade of actors from shows like Just Shoot Me that were modestly successful as many as fifteen years ago.

Paula Abdul Drinks Herself Back into the 80's

Former American Idol judge and unconfirmed once-and-future pop star Paula Abdul may have inadvertently discovered the secret to time travel. Last seen stumbling around in an epic haze on the Fox production lot, Abdul was reported missing by her confidant and bar tender Alex Guillermo when she failed to show up for three consecutive appointments. Fearing she may have finally entered rehab, Guillermo went in search of his friend and discovered something shocking. Paula Abdul's super-human ability to metabolize ethanol may have launched her into a nexus of time where she must simultaneously live in the early 1980's and an existential purgatory of an altered 2003. The physics of this predicament are too complex for unaided human conception, but the key to understanding the basics is in identifying bizarre manifestations of temporal disturbances, such as Abdul's announcement that she will be hosting Star Search. While rational people of 2010 know that Star Search is a relic of a bygone era, it should be noted that it did pop up in a different time-jump seven years ago. It has yet to be determined if Paula Abdul will be able to return to her right time or if she will be lost in the nexus forever.

Former Bush Administration Officials Aim for Iconic Film Role

Marvel Studios has been remarkably successful over the past decade in adapting its most famous properties for the big screen. Spiderman, X-Men and Iron Man have all been unqualified hits, thanks in large part to good casting. That's why the search for the actor who will play the title role in the upcoming Captain America movie has been such a painstaking process. Modern screen stars like Sam Worthington and Ryan Phillippe have all been tapped for the role, but a new crop of hopefuls has hit the scene. Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Former Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove and even Former President George W. Bush have all been making bids with Marvel Studios to play the iconic hero. Bush claims to have owned a Captain America costume since 1987, Rumsfeld arrived at the home of a Marvel executive and caused severe damage to his car by beating it with a giant shield, and Rove has produced a CIA file supposedly proving that he is Captain America. More on this story as it develops.