Ticking Tuesday News- September 15th, 2009

lives every moment in fearThousands Gather Around Pottery Wheels to Await Swayze Ghost

Upon the death of actor Patrick Swayze late yesterday evening, an unprecedented number of pottery wheels have since been sold across the United States and Canada. Devoted fans of the late performer's work have been methodically spinning ceramic pots while listening to "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers since approximately 10:00 PM Eastern Time. Said one of the clay-bending devotees, "I thought I maybe felt [actor Patrick Swayze's ghost] around midnight or so. Then again, it could have just been the cat screwing with me."

In related news, actor Tony Goldwyn has been unable to leave his home thanks to a small mob of people calling for justice in Swayze's death while comedienne Whoopi Goldberg has issued a public statement requesting that the horde of Swayze fans currently camped outside of her residence seek another medium with which to contact the Dirty Dancing star. "I had a busy weekend," said Goldberg, "I will be doing no more readings today."

Jessica Simpson Experiences Further Hardship on the Range

The theft of vague celebrity Jessica Simpson's dog, Daisy, by a wild coyote is merely the most recent event in a string of bad luck since she joined the wagon train out of Allen Town, Pennsylvania on August 12th. The trail party experienced a freak hail storm in the middle of what they believed was Iowa but was actually Kansas. The Johnson family's entire wagon was wiped out by a sudden bout of cholera and an Apache attack left several of the train's men dead or wounded. Since homesteading in California with her eight children, an impressive three of whom have survived into and beyond their sixth year, Simpson has struggled through the daily hardships of living on the frontier. The recent coyote attack is suspected by local authorities to be yet another scheme by the Samson family, with whom Simpson has been feuding. In her Twitter feed, Jessica Simpson assured her fans that she is "Set right out on my porch with Nick's old deer huntin' rifle if'n that no-good Tim Samson come round these parts."

Celebrities Unite Against Kanye West

After his possibly drunken outburst at the MTV Video Music Awards, rapper Kanye West found himself beset on all sides by celebrity enemies. At-the-moment celeb Tweeters like John Rich, Katy Perry and Pink posted aggressive comments about West after he interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. The venom didn't stop there. Emails between Jack White of The White Stripes and Lady Gaga reveal a plan to "go all Warriors on Kanye's ass. Chase him around the city and straight-up street fight him". Similarly, enchanting singer/songwriter Natasha Kahn of Bat For Lashes wrote in her Livejournal of a plan to exact slow, meticulous revenge on West for his uncouth behavior at the VMA's. Despite his apology on The Jay Leno Show, Kanye West still fears for his life whenever he is around other celebrities.

Ticking Ticker: Disney planning an overtly racist cartoon for old time's sake- AP... Billy Joel announces it is no longer rock and roll to him- Reuters... KFC Double Down still scary, delicious...