Vatican Rules on Duggar Case: 19 Officially Not A Miracle

The Duggar family, led by a man who honestly goes by the name Jim Bob and his wife, an empty cavern of inhuman fertility named Michelle, has decided to add yet another child to their 18-heavy brood. The announcement of this most recent argument in favor of state-sanctioned sterilization comes in the wake of the Duggar family's contract with the king network for high-brow entertainment, TLC. They are the stars of 18 Kids and Counting, which is the kind of series premise we used to imagine when we made fun of reality shows ten years ago.

The Duggars are reportedly excited by their most recent pregnancy. However, Pope Benedict XVI has asked the couple to refrain from using the term "miracle" in reference to their latest fetus. According to the pontiff, new life is indeed miraculous, but there is no scriptural evidence that having so many children is a blessing from on high. When asked whether he believed it was instead a curse from Satan, Benedict replied, "Oh, no. Certainly not. While we are only working on theories at the moment, the most likely case is that the Duggar family has 'fallen through the cracks' as it were. A divine clerical error."

Disney Reassures Public Concerned About Marvel Purchase

Yesterday, media giant Disney announced that it will be be buying the legendary comic book company Marvel for the massive price of $4 billion. Marvel fans immediately voiced trepidation over the deal, citing the significant differences between the audiences and approaches of the two companies. Disney CEO Bob Iger responded to these concerns on Tuesday morning.

"The Walt Disney Company is dedicated to providing quality entertainment for people of all ages. We are delighted to have Marvel as a part of our family and look forward to collaborating with their very talented staff."

Insider info suggests that Disney is already working on some new Marvel-centered franchises. A pilot script for a TV series tentatively titled "Wolvie on the Waves" has passed through several hands in Hollywood. The proposed show would star a CGI rendition of popular X-Men character Wolverine, only instead of plumbing the ever-darker depths of his violent past and living in a perpetual state of existential anguish, he will be an employee at a wacky surf shop on the fictional Hang 10 Island. His boss will be a bodacious bovine named Cow Abunga and the famous mutant's adamantium claws will be replaced with talking cheese sticks for some reason.

Jon Gosselin: "I can't believe you're all still paying attention"

Jon Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame said in a recent interview with Esquire Magazine, "My life is really, interminably boring and the predictable trials of my everyday existence don't even come close to counting as newsworthy. I can't believe you're all still paying attention to me. I mean, I was just gonna go bum around on the beach for a while, maybe grab a job as a line cook at some diner. Now, I dunno. I could probably still bank on this stupid show. You wanna watch me do my taxes? Fine. Knock yourselves out".

Ticking Ticker: ...Nothing's on TV yet because it's September- Reuters... America needs new sport. Buzkashi?- AP... German news program fakes Michael Jackson's return from the dead. I wish I was kidding...