Ticking Tuesday News- September 29th 2009

Director Roman Polanski To Use 70's Defense

In the past week, Oscar-winning film director Roman Polanski has been fighting an attempted extradition to the United States after being arrested in a Swiss airport on charges of forcing sex on a 13-year-old girl over 30 years ago in Hollywood. A cavalcade of the movie business's most esteemed individuals has come out in support of Polanski, who was en route to the Zurich Film Festival when Swiss officials brought him into custody on the authority of an American warrant. Such acclaimed actors and directors as Monica Bellucci and John Landis have echoed Polanski's assertion that the decade in which the crime took place dismisses the inherent insidiousness of its nature. "Come on," Polanski implored in an recent interview, "It was the 70's. A lot of crazy [expletive redacted] happened. There was coke and sex all over the place. What I did happened every [expletive redacted] Tuesday."

Roman Polanski has been charged with drugging and forcing sex on a 13-year-old girl in 1977. He fled to France when it appeared he would be formally tried and found guilty of this crime, remaining there for the past three decades and accruing accolades in the world of film. Recently, legendary director and bastion of clean, family-friendly entertainment David Lynch spoke on Polanski's behalf, saying, "I just don't know what to say. I have no recollection of the alleged crime. Honestly, the 70's are just one big blur for me. I went into the studio to make a romantic comedy about a lovable slob and a prim secretary, but I came out with Eraserhead."

Jon Gosselin Fired From "Jon and Kate Plus Eight"

Jon Gosselin, the embattled male half of TLC's troubled show Jon and Kate Plus Eight has reportedly been cut from the series. The audible sigh from the entirety of the United States was reportedly so strong upon the first release of this story that both the Pacific coast of Asia and the Atlantic coast of Europe have been put on tsunami watch from the resulting gust of wind. The National Weather Service has placed much of the midwestern United States on alert for tornadoes as the warm air from the subsequent yawns of the majority of the nation increase the threat of twisters considerably in the dropping temperatures of the autumn wind.

Scarlett Johansson Reminds World That She Is Still Hot, Unavailable

Movie starlet Scarlett Johansson took the opportunity in a recent interview to remind the straight and bisexual men, and homosexual and bisexual women of the world that she remains married to funny, good-looking, rich performer Ryan Reynolds, in case any of us up and forgot. She batted her amazing eyelashes and puckered her impossibly supple, ruby-colored lips while informing any who might be paying attention that she is indeed still unspeakably hot and that she is even less likely to have sex with any of them than are most incredibly attractive celebrities because, as Johansson reiterated several times, she's a married woman now.

In related news, the suicide rate among heterosexual and bisexual males, and homosexual and bisexual females has risen considerably in the past six months.