Ticking Tuesday News: Sex Tapes and Death Metal

bad in bed circa 1997

Jennifer Lopez Fights Sex Tape Review

A blogger who goes by the name KevRhubarb is currently in a heated feud with pop diva/alleged actress Jennifer Lopez over his review of her recently leaked sex tape. Lopez has been in a protracted legal battle to keep the tape out of the public eye and is finding out first-hand how difficult it is to compete with the uncontrollable forces of the Internet. The Ticking Tabloid got its hands on KevRhubarb's review before Lopez's lawyers issued a cease and desist to the overnight blogging sensation. It is clear why Lopez wants to censor the review, as it is rather unflattering. KevRhubarb praises the production value of the tape, comparing it favorably to the so-called "gonzo porn" movement that has swept Internet erotica trends, though he ultimately credits this to improved digital camera technology rather than to Lopez or her then-husband Ojani Noa. KevRhubarb calls Lopez's form "sloppy and without nuance" as well as criticizing her "seeming inability to apply the rhythm inherent to her profession to any other endeavor". Jennifer Lopez could not be reached for a rebuttal.

Katt Williams Blames Break-In on Celebrity Amnesia

Former(?) pimp and current third-string comedian Katt Williams has responded to concerns over his recent arrest for burglary by claiming that he suffered from a very specific form of temporary memory loss. The condition is being called Celebrity Blank Syndrome (CBS), or Paygrade Amnesia. Williams's doctors and lawyers have given statements suggesting that the 36-year-old performer forgot he was a celebrity for approximately 18 hours on the night he allegedly broke into a home in rural Georgia and stole an unspecified quantity of valuables. The same defense was cited in 2001 when Sopranos star Robert Michael Iler was arrested for armed robbery. The specifics of the condition have not been properly studied, but proponents of CBS's existence say that it is a serious malady that afflicts dozens of celebrities every year. "Imagine waking up one day not knowing how millions of dollars got into your bank account," says Dr. Fred Greenwillow of Mercy Hospital, "It would be terrifying and no one under such a condition should be expected to not commit a crime."

Miley Cyrus Planning a Death Metal Album

Singing sensation and Disney Property Miley Cyrus, who is famous for her alter ego Hannah Montana, is rumored to be in talks with Metal Blade Records to record a death metal album some time in the coming year. Metal Blade is the home of such well-known bands as Gwar and Cannibal Corpse. Miley has been tight-lipped about this development, but some critics have suggested that it is an attempt to distance herself from the wholesome entertainment that has thus far characterized her career. Cyrus, who will turn 17 in just two weeks, has made a small fortune playing to her pre-teen audience and now may desire a more mature creative trajectory. No word yet on whether Cyrus will record under her own name. While it seems unlikely that she will hold onto the Hannah Montana moniker, this may be Disney's chance to finally tap into the forces of darkness that have fueled its business for decades.