Ticking Tuesday News- Tiger Woods Crashes, Marilyn Monroe Dishes

Tiger Woods to Blame Space Aliens for Crash

Golfing sensation and bearer of unbelievable pearly whites Tiger Woods avoided accident investigators for several days after he crashed his SUV near his home under mysteriously circumstances. Much speculation went into why Woods obviously evaded police inquiring into the nature of the crash. Some suspected Woods may have been intoxicated at the time and wished to clear his blood of any trace chemicals. As it stands, the multimillionaire Woods stands to face a careless driving charge resulting in a fine to total no more than $200 as well as a four-point penalty on his license. Woods was driving with insurance and a valid license, so no additional penalties should be incurred. As for how and why Woods crashed, Ticking Tabloid's sources suggest that the famous PGA athlete believes he was the victim of a failed abduction by an unknown species of highly intelligent alien lifeform.

This scenario would explain why Woods would avoid authorities for several days after what was admittedly a very minor moving violation that resulted in no property damage or serious injury. If indeed creatures from beyond our lonely solar system attempted to abduct woods but did not succeed, they would most certainly wish to acquire their quarry in order to complete their mission. The best way to do this would naturally be to pose as authority figures from Earth. After all, what is the more likely explanation for why a venerated sports celebrity crashed his car in his own neighborhood then refused to talk to the police knowing he would face a fine that totals the amount of money he makes in a single hour- A justified fear of alien invaders or the highly improbable circumstance of a rich person pretending to be above the law when he does something flagrantly illegal?

Media Figures Unable to Comprehend Lack of Sex in Monroe Movie

Upon the recent revelation of a home movie of actress Marilyn Monroe shot in the late 1950's, many pop culture journalists and bloggers have yet to comprehend the video's utter lack of sexual activity. The movie features Monroe casually talking with friends, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes. At no time during the reel's entire run does Monroe perform sex acts with any of the other individuals present, or the individual holding the camera. There are no night-vision scenes, images of Monroe pretending to be surprised in a bath or performing a strip tease. Blogger LloydStarz commented in a recent entry, "What a rip-off. It's amazing that they had the gall to release a celebrity home video with absolutely no sex in it. Who do they think they are?" Reportedly, the entire staff of entertainment tonight spent over an hour in a meeting discussing the movie, with one anchor who asked not to be named repeatedly asked, "Wait, what? Explain this to me again, like I'm a six-year-old. A celebrity... was on a video... shot in private... with no intention to release it to the public... and she didn't have sex in it... immediately?" Further attempts to explain that no sex took place immediately or at any other time during the movie failed.

Victoria's Secret Hires First Asian Model

After decades of coincidentally only hiring white, black and occasionally Hispanic models to advertise its highly successful line of lingerie, Victoria's Secret has finally decided to feature an Asian woman in their photographs. Chinese model Liu Wen began her career in a contest four years ago and now has a contract to walk for Victoria's Secret in their upcoming fashion show. When the company was accused of trying too little, too late to combat its own racial insensitivity, a Victoria's Secret spokesman said, "No, no. We totally love them orientals. Can't get enough of 'em. Why, I do declare that the little Japanese cookie we just picked up is one of the purdiest things I ever did lay eyes on. Tar-nation!" The spokesman then did a funny dance that prominently featured the spurs on his boots while he fired his anachronistic six-shooter pistols into the air.