Jason Bateman Defends New Line-Cutting Religion

Actor Jason Bateman has been in the news a lot lately for allegedly getting some unfair celebrity treatment while recently standing in line for the latest Apple iPhone. According to witnesses at the scene, an Apple Store employee escorted Bateman from his position in the early morning line that had formed outside the store in anticipation of the new product, bringing him inside to give him the first new iPhone sold at the location. Though many iPeople have been in an iTizzy ever since the i...Incident, Bateman has defended his actions, as well as further line-cutting behaviors, by stating that he has adopted a new faith that sees cutting in line as a sacrament. Bateman has since been seen moving ahead of others with impunity at his local Jamba Juice, a busy men's restroom at a movie theater and even at his doctor's office. When approached by interviewers about this behavior, Bateman said, "When I adopted this way of life I knew not everyone would understand. That young man at the Apple Store is a sign to me that things are getting better in this country for my people, though. He recognized my needs and acted accordingly. Peace be upon him."

Dragon Tattoo "A Misunderstanding" Says Jon Gosselin

Because apparently he's still relevant, former TLC reality TV punching bag Jon Gosselin has been of interest to paparazzi as of late because he is now sporting a new tattoo on his back. The fresh ink depicts a dragon in the Eastern tradition covering almost all of the right half of Gosselin's back. After seeing the results of this cosmetic procedure, Gosselin insisted that the artist had taken too many liberties. "This was not what I requested. There was a misunderstanding" says Gosselin. According to his side of the story, the beleaguered former star of Jon and Kate Plus 8 asked the tattoo artist to depict his ex-wife Kate below his right shoulder "to remind me that, no matter what, that heartbreak is behind me." Defending his work, Jon's tattoo artist claimed that he was just depicting the image he saw in the photograph Jon Gosselin gave him prior to the session. "I mean, come on. When you look at this picture, you see a vicious, cold-blooded monster, right?" he said. The tattoo may be a blessing in disguise for Gosselin, though he is still not happy with the results. Rumors abound of a high-ranking Yakuza gangster who has taken an interest in Jon thanks to his recent ink, so perhaps Gosselin has a new career waiting for him in the back alleys of Japan.

Kim Kardashian Wax Figure A Logistical Nightmare

Madame Tussauds, the famous wax museum in New York City, has announced that it plans on adding a representation of vague celebrity Kim Kardashian, though not without some considerable difficulty. Tussauds has a reputation for authenticity, which poses a series of problems when approaching the recreation of an individual such as one of the Kardashians. According to a representative of the museum, there are a variety of dangers and complications associated with the creation of Kardashian's likeness. Primarily museum technicians are concerned about the amount of alcohol required to make an accurate Kim, as boiling wax and alcohol have an explosive reaction when combined and the presence of alcohol in wax causes pigments to dry too quickly. Museum techs are also worried that the wax Kim will somehow be less shiny than the real-life version. While Tussauds will likely have enough gloss to remedy this problem, using a sufficient amount will put the museum over-budget on the project. One financial advisor has suggested simply paying Kim Kardashian to stand in place at the museum a few times a month, as her personality is sufficiently statue-like to pass for a wax figure.