Charlie Sheen Headed to Jail, Seems Indifferent

After his domestic dispute with wife Brooke Mueller and subsequent stint in rehab, actor Charlie Sheen has made a plea bargain with the state of Colorado to spend up to 30 days in jail for his behavior on Christmas Day 2009. Sheen may only spend half of that time incarcerated if he maintains good behavior, which his lawyer guarantees won't be a problem. Sheen has consistently met the prospect of time in prison with the same lack of emotion as his recently renewed contract on CBS's astoundingly bland sitcom Two and a Half Men. "Two more years on that... that show," said Sheen in a recent press conference, "My only consolation is that the very premise puts a time limit on the series. I mean, when the kid grows up, they wouldn't replace him. Would they? Tell me they won't..." Sheen then trailed off into a series of mumbles and occasional sobs.

Bret Michaels Describes Grueling Competition with Grim Reaper

Having narrowly escaped death no fewer than two times in the past month, rock star and reality TV personality Bret Michaels has been reluctant to describe his medical condition until a recent interview during which he went into details about his long struggle with a tall, robe-wearing skeleton while he was unconscious in the hospital. Apparently Death himself was bound and determined to claim as many celebrities in May as possible. He succeeded in taking Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper, though apparently his attempts on the life of Bret Michaels went less smoothly. "Not everyone takes the challenge," said Michaels, "It's really rare, actually." Michaels went on to describe a long and arduous competition with the Grim One that involved a game of Chinese Checkers, a pie-eating competition and a five-hour match of the popular fantasy card game Magic: The Gathering. Apparently, Michaels came out victorious and now he is honor-bound to demand that everyone refers to him as Bret Michaels, He Who Conquered Oblivion. Michaels, ahem, He Who Conquered Oblivion has no plans to parlay his new title into a heavy metal career.

Del Toro Quits The Hobbit, Seeks Replacement

After months of delays resulting from the financial difficulties experienced by majority owner MGM, director Guillermo del Toro has backed out of the project. His contract required him to live in New Zealand for three years, but the delays threatened to tie him up for as many as six. Preferring to spend more time with his family and pursue new projects, del Toro has been released from his contract, though he will remain a consulting screenwriter. Now, if The Hobbit is indeed still going to be made, MGM will have to sign on a new director. Michael Bay of recent Transformers fame has humbly submitted himself as a possible replacement for del Toro. If selected, Bay promises to "bring Tolkien's classic into the modern day" with 37% more explosions, the addition of an entirely new character to be played by Megan Fox and the strong possibility of a sass-talking gryphon. MGM could not be reached for a comment on this development.