It has come to my attention, and by "my attention" I mean the attention of the partially insectoid, partially reptilian hive mind to which every member of my people is bound, that a certain leftover bit of controversy from the 2008 presidential election has resurfaced as of late. It may seem like a stupendously idiotic and utterly inconsequential topic to pursue, especially on the national stage, but it is most assuredly important... perhaps the most important topic in the entire world.

Congressman John Campbell, a Republican representing California's illustrious 48th District (Go OC! Woo!) may seem like just another cog in the Quantum Problem Generator that is the GOP, but I have insider information that suggests otherwise. Sure, Representative Campbell has the outward appearance of a milquetoast political jackass who has made a career of pandering to the least reasonable fragment of the electorate, but that's only before you come to understanding that he is, in fact, a crusader for the very survival of this fragile planet.

You see, Rep. Campbell has sponsored a piece of legislation that, if passed and not roundly ignored as being completely frivolous and vaguely racist, will require every person who ever runs for the office of President of the United States to publicly prove his or her eligibility for the position prior to election. The impetus for this proposed law, which is not at all a pathetic scramble by the Republican party to spread misinformation about a sitting President in the hopes of dragging his name through the mud before 2012, is the unanswered question of President Barack Obama's place of birth. According to the US Constitution, only natural-born Americans can be elected President. If Obama happened to have not been born in Hawaii as he and a state-certified birth certificate that he proffered months ago claim, he has no right to occupy America's highest office.

I want to set the record straight right now because, despite the predisposition to hate in every unusual molecule of my body, all of your ground beef sandwiches and barley-infused water beverages have caused me to fall in love with your beautiful country... nay, planet. I happen to know that Barack Obama was not born in the United States, nor was he born on the planet Earth. He was actually born on a far-off world whose name has been lost to the uniform cruelty of the cosmos. It is the very same world from which the Liberal Jewish Media Conspiracy hails. We, the Jews, grew Obama in our vast fields of resource-sapping Pinko Plants, hoping to allow him to take seed here on this puny planet.

So, I urge you fragile humans to treat Representative John Campbell of California with the utmost respect. By standing in front of this new legislative draft he makes himself into a warrior for truth and certainly not into a piss-stained sheet blowing in the wind of a country that can't get bogged down in stupid, stupid congressional theatrics when there are so many important issues to address.