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The CDC Zombie Survival Guide

We are officially all children.

No, really. Americans can no longer be trusted to make reasoned decisions about their lives or act with common sense in events of stress. We are ignorant and a danger to ourselves thanks to a marked inability or unwillingness to accept reality as it is. How do I know this? Because the Center for Disease Control, America's supposedly elite, high-tech government agency designed specifically to respond to emergencies resulting from natural disasters and disease outbreaks, just released a zombie survival guide.

Correction: The CDC released a half-assed, patronizing zombie survival guide.

The long and short of it is that the CDC blog post, "Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse" is the public health equivalent of a parent too exasperated to care about dignity any longer trying desperately to make a game out of feeding their child who is too young and inexperienced to know that he'll die if he doesn't eat. The flippant blog post spends an unnecessary amount of time fleshing out the origins of the zombie myth and its appearances in pop culture before it dives into the actual survival guide. It's so padded at the front because the whole thing is a thinly-veiled delivery device for otherwise brief, common sense advice people still aren't following no matter how vital it seems to be.

For example, a passage toward the middle of the feature encourages people to keep emergency kits full of things like water, non-perishable food and first aid supplies, not-so-subtly suggesting that these things would also all be remarkably useful for people who are temporarily cut off from civilization thanks to real disasters like hurricanes and quarantines. This is followed by the suggestion that you should inform yourself about the most common disasters in your place of residence so you can formulate a worthwhile plan should one such disaster strike.

Now, why exactly would a seemingly serious organization like the CDC lower itself by hopping on the zombie fad bandwagon when a serious, sober blog post about emergency preparedness would suffice? Well, because a serious, sober blog post wouldn't suffice. Despite the fact that there has been a major flood more or less every year somewhere in America for the past decade, certain regions experience regular hurricanes, earthquakes or wild fires and the whole damn nation shut down for a few days in September 2001, people still don't seem to brace themselves in any way whatsoever for disaster scenarios. If someone sends you an email that says, "Hey, check out this totally rational, grown-up message from the CDC about how to prepare for an emergency" you'll probably just ignore it. Ah, but slap "zombie" on something and all of a sudden it's fun. So fun, in fact, that the CDC website crashed as their stupid survival guide (ironically) went viral.

So, yes, we are all children. We are children because some drab committee of bureaucrats who were sick of getting reports about first response teams having to rescue people who are starving because they don't have the common sense to keep some canned goods around in case the McDonald's closes during an F-5 tornado sat around a conference table and decided that a stupid zombie gimmick was the only way to make the medicine go down. It's embarrassing.