November 2009

Paula Deen's Ham War and the End of Oprah

Food Declares Independence From Paula Deen

It was a wet thud heard 'round the world when one intrepid ham launched a kamikaze attack against loud, unspeakable southern stereotype and occasional TV cook Paula Deen. After years of abuse and tyranny, all edible materials have banded together to declare independence from Deen and what their spokesvictual calls "Her wanton disregard for the rights and well-being of all consumable citizens of this world."

Douchebag: An Essay

Cultural designations are pretty inexplicable. At a certain point a particular set of behaviors and features coalesce into a stereotype that the masses accept without question or further examination. New words or new meanings for old words just pop up, seemingly out of nowhere, to become a part of the cultural vocabulary as if they were always there. The social taxon that I still haven't been able to get a firm handle on is "douchebag". Like former Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart and his understanding of pornography, I think I know a douchebag when I see one, but what exactly makes these people what they are? Let's examine it, shall we?

Ticking Tuesday News: Sex Tapes and Death Metal

Jennifer Lopez Fights Sex Tape Review

A blogger who goes by the name KevRhubarb is currently in a heated feud with pop diva/alleged actress Jennifer Lopez over his review of her recently leaked sex tape. Lopez has been in a protracted legal battle to keep the tape out of the public eye and is finding out first-hand how difficult it is to compete with the uncontrollable forces of the Internet. The Ticking Tabloid got its hands on KevRhubarb's review before Lopez's lawyers issued a cease and desist to the overnight blogging sensation. It is clear why Lopez wants to censor the review, as it is rather unflattering. KevRhubarb praises the production value of the tape, comparing it favorably to the so-called "gonzo porn" movement that has swept Internet erotica trends, though he ultimately credits this to improved digital camera technology rather than to Lopez or her then-husband Ojani Noa. KevRhubarb calls Lopez's form "sloppy and without nuance" as well as criticizing her "seeming inability to apply the rhythm inherent to her profession to any other endeavor". Jennifer Lopez could not be reached for a rebuttal.

Celebrity Halloween Costumes

Everyone looks pretty silly in a Halloween costume. Even when women do their "sexy whatever" costume they're more than a little absurd. A sexy maid, angel, cat or pirate is still primarily a maid, angel, cat or pirate, pretty much for the same reason that a chocolate bar covered in barbecue sauce is ridiculous. I don't care which side you prefer, the two elements combined ruin one another. But because it's basically what they're designed to do, celebrities have a way of taking the inherent absurdities of things like Halloween costumes and making them somehow more absurd. Let's see what some of our stars went out in public wearing this October 31st.