Charlie Sheen Ready To Be Boring Again
Ne'er-do-well actor Charlie Sheen has checked into a substance abuse rehabilitation center for what his lawyer has asked all media personal to refer to as "the umpteenth time" for an unspecified issue. Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller, is also currently enjoying a stay at her own, separate clinic, though she recently relocated from a different facility after an unfortunate incident involving the privacy of her room, person and/or drugs. The famous couple has had a rough winter, including a Christmas Day domestic dispute that critics of the format have been calling an instant classic. Charlie Sheen is best known today for his work as the co-star of Two and a Half Men, a sitcom that has been scientifically proven to be the least offensive TV show ostensibly about sex within the realm of possibility. Sheen's drug dealer, who asked to remain anonymous, prescribed a cornucopia of mind-altering substances to keep Sheen from being too lame as a result of the show. Now that the actor has decided to get clean, his publicist has started a campaign to assure fans of Two and a Half Men that its star will be even more bland and middle-brow once he returns from rehab.
After months of struggle and pain, the people of Haiti can finally breathe a sigh of relief now that the Church of Scientology has arrived on its shores. Since late in January those hilariously idiotic children of science fiction failure L. Ron Hubbard have been delivering their particular brand of useless, potentially lethal medical care to the sick and injured of Port au Prince. For some reason, probably the utter chaos of the city post-earthquake, these fools haven't been summarily ejected from the country yet. No, while actual doctors cobble together the best reality-based medical care they can manage for the countless needy in Haiti there are tents full of Scientologists in yellow t-shirts playing make-believe with the lives of homeless men, women and children. Ain't the world a grand and wonderful place?
Generic cold medicine is a wonderful, terrifying thing. Because winter is a period of pointless tortures like awful weather, extended darkness and ubiquitous disease, I'm currently battling my second head cold in so many months. Helping me in my crusade to reclaim my body from this ridiculous, suicidal virus are the usual suspects- plenty of fluids, chicken soup, hot showers and vitamin C. But they brought a friend along in the form of a viscous, green substance that predicates its entire sales pitch on a comparison to what Nyquil used to be. Over the counter medicine enthusiasts might recall that Nyquil, the old bastion of knock-me-the-hell-out cold medicine, got effectively nerfed a few years back, rendering it a useless concoction of food coloring and bitter flavoring agents. That's what happens when you're concerned about public image: you end up destroying your product just because a few idiots decided to drive after a heavy shot of the 'quil. Well, the generic brands don't care about PR, so they're still chock full of whatever it was that made Nyquil a groggy sleep drug. As an unexpected side effect, my currently hazy self doesn't give a toss about any of the following pop culture bombshells.