May 2010

Ticking Tuesday News- Crime, Punishment and American Idol

Bono in Recovery After Ego-Related Back Injury

Last week, activist and U2 front man Paul David Hewson, who continues to insist that everyone call him Bono, was admitted to LMU University Hospital in Munich after suffering a moderate back injury. He is expected to make a full recovery, though U2's upcoming North American tour has been postponed for several months as a result. Though the band's publicists have been reluctant to reveal the exact cause of Bono's malady, the singer's doctors have been a bit more candid. Apparently, Bono was rehearsing a portion of the new stage show alone, naked, in front of a wall-sized mirror when the slowly building weight of his own ego became too much to bear. Spine specialists at LMU Hospital say that Bono's back troubles shouldn't be an issue in a few months and that he was lucky the incident happened in the presence of only his bandmates. Had the crush occurred in front of a full audience, Bono's ego would be unlikely to ever recover.

The Wachowski Brothers Rise Again

The movie business is a funny thing. It's the only part of our society in which someone is allowed to continually create awful things without being effectively exiled. Imagine if a chef got a reputation for making vile, ridiculously expensive dishes and yet somehow kept getting hired to run various restaurants into the ground. There is so much money and so many cynical, gullible people in the film industry that guys like M. Night Shyamalan manage to produce at least one cinematic embarrassment every few years and the profit margins on whatever crap Eddie Murphy is doing these days are still good enough to get him studio backing for another 2-hour romp in a fat suit. And then there are filmmakers like the Wachowski Brothers (one of whom now legally qualifies as a sister), two people who have come to epitomize the hopelessly inept wing of the big-budget movie industry. Despite making one stinker after another, the Wachowskis haven't quite realized that they suck at making movies. There's some buzz in Hollywood today that they've been seeking funding for what will either be the best or worst movie ever made. It doesn't have an official title yet, but for now I'm going to call it Iraqi Gaysplosion From The Future.

Thank You, Tyra

On days like today it's just impossible to feel down about the world. I could have woken up with an ulcer and received a final notice from some bill collector and today still would have fit firmly into the "good day" column. Why? Well, because Our Illustrious Queen of Everything in Perpetuity Tyra Banks has announced her contract with Random House for not one, not two, but three whole fiction novels. This is just incredible news and it keeps getting better the more I read about it. I would have been satisfied with a bunch of stupid, vapid fashion guides and self-help books that begin and end with Gwyneth Paltrow levels of "I'm so rich, why aren't you?" sentiment. Oh, but Tyra is giving us so much more than that.

Ticking Tuesday News- Gonna 'Bloid Like It's 1959

Dr. Drew's New Production Company Set to Square Up Television

Dr. Drew Pinsky has been a regular on American TV ever since his debut on MTV's popular sex advice show Loveline in the mid 1990's. Since then, Dr. Drew has made a name for himself on such illustrious outlets as Celebrity Rehab on VH1 and a continued radio presence where he can further his cause to keep modern people as boring and conformist as possible. Dr. Drew Productions will aim for new reality TV shows that play to Pinsky's strengths, so be on the lookout for Help! I'm Being Exploited By An Entertainment Doctor Because I'm Famous next Fall and maybe even a midseason replacement tentatively titled Eww, Don't Do That, a show dedicated to Dr. Drew advising people to not engage in certain sexual acts because he personally finds them icky.