June 2010

Ticking Tuesday News- Wax, Tattoos and iPhones

Jason Bateman Defends New Line-Cutting Religion

Actor Jason Bateman has been in the news a lot lately for allegedly getting some unfair celebrity treatment while recently standing in line for the latest Apple iPhone. According to witnesses at the scene, an Apple Store employee escorted Bateman from his position in the early morning line that had formed outside the store in anticipation of the new product, bringing him inside to give him the first new iPhone sold at the location. Though many iPeople have been in an iTizzy ever since the i...Incident, Bateman has defended his actions, as well as further line-cutting behaviors, by stating that he has adopted a new faith that sees cutting in line as a sacrament. Bateman has since been seen moving ahead of others with impunity at his local Jamba Juice, a busy men's restroom at a movie theater and even at his doctor's office. When approached by interviewers about this behavior, Bateman said, "When I adopted this way of life I knew not everyone would understand. That young man at the Apple Store is a sign to me that things are getting better in this country for my people, though. He recognized my needs and acted accordingly. Peace be upon him."

"The Bachelor" Nixs Pre-Fab Life

The world collectively wept today when Jake Pavelka, the most recent titular stud on ABC's popular reality dating series The Bachelor, announced that he and his assumed true love forever and ever Vienna Giardi have officially split. We at The Ticking Tabloid are especially heartbroken. We had so many elaborate plans, so many hopes and dreams for Jake and Vienna. I mean, how could they do this to us? Have they never heard of marriage counseling? It's almost as if they were never in love, like ABC and everyone involved with The Bachelor were just stringing their viewers along for some motive other than the sanctity of two souls being unified by the fires of passion only to be tempered by the perpetually cool waters of dedication and commitment.

Gary Faulkner: Bounty Hunter

Several years from now when the United States is no longer sending troops, munitions, an infuriating amount of tax dollars and more wasted good will than we will likely ever see again to the Middle East where all of them will be somehow lost forever, there will be several movies made about the whole ordeal. Many of them will be solemn dramas and graphic war pictures that attempt to make sense of a senseless era and to humanize those caught in the middle of it. But not all of them will be that kind of respectable Oscar-bait. One smirking, deeply ironic film will be made about Gary Faulkner, the bearded dingbat who, up until recently, could be found wandering around the Pakistan/Afghanistan border hunting for Osama bin Laden. A dark comedy is the only way to properly tell Faulkner's story because a straight piece of journalism can't possibly paint this sad but true event as anything but a very stupid, very embarrassing indication of what the War on Terror really is.

RIP, Touchdown Jesus

Even though I am currently an infinitely charming urbanite in one of America's largest cities, my origins are far less cultured and exciting. I spent the wastes of my youth in Ohio, the state that is perhaps the most descriptive of what is truly average in the United States. It has good schools but not great schools, the cost of living is more reasonable than the coasts but not as ridiculously antiquated as the plains states and its cultural attractions are just enough to whet a young man's appetite without ever coming close to satisfying it. Ohio also does various kinds of outright insanity with a rare sense of moderation. You have to go outside the state's larger towns to find giant billboards about the pending apocalypse and plenty of tiny restaurants that believe a large hamburger qualifies as a steak. You'll also find weird bits of public art like a 62-foot tall statue of Jesus coming out of the ground in the middle of an otherwise empty stretch of Interstate Highway 75. Or at least you could until Monday June 14th. A recent series of thunderstorms tearing through Ohio claimed the statue with lightning-induced fire late in the night, burning the whole thing to cinders.

Ticking Tuesdays News- Short Things

Charlie Sheen Headed to Jail, Seems Indifferent

After his domestic dispute with wife Brooke Mueller and subsequent stint in rehab, actor Charlie Sheen has made a plea bargain with the state of Colorado to spend up to 30 days in jail for his behavior on Christmas Day 2009. Sheen may only spend half of that time incarcerated if he maintains good behavior, which his lawyer guarantees won't be a problem. Sheen has consistently met the prospect of time in prison with the same lack of emotion as his recently renewed contract on CBS's astoundingly bland sitcom Two and a Half Men. "Two more years on that... that show," said Sheen in a recent press conference, "My only consolation is that the very premise puts a time limit on the series. I mean, when the kid grows up, they wouldn't replace him. Would they? Tell me they won't..." Sheen then trailed off into a series of mumbles and occasional sobs.