August 2010

Ticking Tuesday News- Lost, Knifes and Regret

"Lost" Tissue Box Fetches 20K

Few shows in the history of television develop fan communities as avid and enthusiastic as ABC's sci-fi/mystery/intellectual wankery fest Lost. When the series called it quits this past Spring, it was only a matter of time before this beloved bit of pop culture was preserved in some sort of tasteful museum alongside some of the greatest shows... wait, sorry, I meant broken up into barely meaningful chunks of props and other memorabilia to be auctioned off in one last bid to coax money from an already very lucrative project. Among the offerings were fake cans of "Dharma Initiative" beer, an old van with "Dharma Initiative" stenciled on the side and other completely mundane things made somehow more valuable by bearing the Dharma Initiative brand and allegedly once sitting on the set of Lost. The most shocking item sold at the auction was an empty facial tissue box ABC executives claimed star Matthew Fox used during his time on the show. One representative called it, "Matt's emotion box", claiming that Fox only ever reached for the tissues housed in this particular box when the script or filming process became emotionally overwhelming for him. The prospect that Matthew Fox's sweet, hidden tears may have once touched the box compelled the winning bidder to shell out $20,000 for it.

Ticking Tuesday News- Gibson, Phoenix and Juggalos Act Predictably

Gibson Crash All Part of the Plan

Actor, director and noted bigot Mel Gibson officially enacted Step 77 of his long, complicated plan to self-destruct spectacularly over the course of several decades when he ran his 2008 Maserati into a hill in Malibu yesterday. Police are uncertain as to exactly how Gibson's car veered so far off the road, only that he wasn't intoxicated at the time. Or rather, intoxicated this time. Mel Gibson Analytic Specialists at Stanford University have theorized that the crash signaled a new stage in the life cycle of the actor's path of pain throughout the world. While his early exploits involved excessive drug use followed by a middle period of obsessive violence both in films and in real life, this new, still theoretical period will be characterized by random acts of inexplicable destruction. "We've been expecting his racism and antisemitism emissions to taper off for a while now," says Dr. Louis Chang of the Stanford team, "We're now keeping an eye out for unexplained window-shattering events and the occasional breaking of random children's toys." No word yet on how long this stage may last or what, if anything, will follow it.

Ticking Tuesday News- Idols, Hulks and Other Comic Characters

Fantasia on Affair: "I Wanted It More"

American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino has been fighting recent accusations by a woman in North Carolina that the reality show contestant had an affair with her husband, Antwaun Cook, that led to the end of the marriage. Barrino and her manager have launched an extensive PR campaign in defense, though the content of the campaign is a bit non-traditional, at least on Fantasia's side. While her manager has urged her to retract her most recent statements, Fantasia persists in denying that her affair ended the marriage but does not deny that an affair took place. According to Fantasia, she beat out hundreds of other people who hoped to have an affair with Mr. Cook. No news source has yet been able to confirm Barrino's claims that, three months ago, a line of roughly 300 people waited outside the Cook residence, each longing to fulfill his or her dream of having illicit sexual relations with the North Carolina man. After a grueling series of auditions, says Fantasia, she was selected by a panel of colorful judges to be the one who would get to go to bed with Antwaun. "I wanted it hard. I wanted it more than her," Fantasia said in a recent press conference, "If Mrs. Cook had the chops, the judges would have called her name instead."

The Quixotic Campaign of Goodspaceguy for Senate

I do

n't know what it's like in other countries, but most American kids grow up being told they can be and do anything they want if they put their minds to it. This is usually marketed to parents and teachers as a roundly positive thing to teach children, even though it's really only half good. Sure, kids benefit from encouragement and it's generally a bad idea to fill a kid's head with limitations before they're ready to focus on personal strengths and self-improvement. Still, every adult knows that both DNA and social origin account for a lot of what a person will be able to do in life. It doesn't help that young Americans are surrounded by false cases of regular people achieving amazing things, especially in the realm of politics. After all, we're the society that regularly elects pro wrestlers, movie stars and foreign nationals to our legislative and occasionally executive bodies. A kid might grow up thinking, "Gee, if a cut-rate actor like Ronald Regan or a complete frat boy buffoon like G.W. Bush can get elected, surely I can as well." It's this type of thinking (and probably a little schizophrenia) that convinced Michael "Goodspaceguy" Nelson that he could grab one of Washington's seats in the US Senate.